believers never die part deux

Singing Hallelujah one more time,
to remind myself that yet another miracle
has just unfolded right before my eyes.
I can already feel it coming.
Lights blinding.
Sound pulsing.
Ground shaking.
Body aching as metal crushes
against my ribs.
In an attempt to breathe,
I push myself back an inch and my arms shake.
Trying to push 10,000 kids back.
Trying to remind myself that those kids,
the diehards and the n00bs,
are there to see the same band I fell in love with.
The same band I rely on day to day.
The same picture I wake up to every morning.
The same song I hear when someone calls me.
The same feeling.
The same boys.
Different music.
And a renewed faith in what I thought I lost.
Welcome back.
We've missed you.

reality check.

This girl was confident, smart, happy, and proud of everything she was. She never let anyone bring her down or get the best of her, until she met you. Lying to herself in the mirror every morning, swearing you loved her, this girl began to lose that light in her eyes. The glow from her skin just kept fading, until finally she had hit rock bottom. It was all because of you. She'd never been so low, but you put her there.
Now she walks on the side of the road with her school books in her hands. Looking like she wants to fall to her knees and pray that someone will just pick her up, she just keeps walking and focusing on what's waiting for her as soon as she opens her front door. A mile and a half later, she reaches her home and opens the door to find nothing but silence. For a quick second, she wonders if you'll ever come back but then she reminds herself of what you put her through.
That girl cried herself to sleep every night. That girl thought about taking her own life. That girl was convinced that she wasn't and never would be good enough. That girl was harassed and bullied by the only person she really trusted at the time. That girl...was me. Now I can see the light in my eyes coming back and the glow in my skin getting brighter. When I let you go, I could see my life without you and it was so much better. I guess I do have a lot going for me, like my family and friends always tell me. I almost lost myself and let all of that go...and it's all your fault.

I open my eyes to the Virginia sunrise outside of my window. I complain about how early it is. I spend hours in school listening to boring lectures and waiting until my hand falls off from taking so many notes. I get home and complain about walking so far and so long. I sit down and think...about how there are people in much worse situations. There are people fighting for their lives, who would kill to even get the chance to sleep in a warm bed, go to a good school, have a home, or walk. I just don't want to complain anymore. Really.

60XXX

all i have to say about this is...

what the fuck.
i'm so confused.

but on another note...

in a bad mood, and the ice cream man outside wont shut the hell up. i guess he knows my neighbors so he'll sit outside their house talking to them for at least an hour with that stupid music playing. last time the cops told him to "shut the fuck up". Yeah. I love my town. it would be a lot better and less annoying if he was playing songs off of "Infinity On High". but we all know that wouldn't happen.

just needed to do my daily complaining.
thanks.
xo.

i'm not stupid.

i know what you're trying to do
and it's not going to work.
did you really think calling me
would clear the situation up?
as if your immaturity would just fix it?
does bitching me out make you feel strong?
does harassing a 16 year old girl
make you feel like a man?
cause you never were a man.
you were more of a girl than i am.
if you were calling to say sorry
which i doubt you were
then you should know that i'm not.
and i wont forgive you...ever.

sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will always hurt worse...

please dont go now. please dont fade away. pt 2.

was supposed to go see all time low today in maryland. probably the most important show to me all summer. fall out boy hasnt been touring. my whole summer has sucked. so i was counting on this to cheer me up a little. two of my friends dropped out. so now me and jamie are stuck two hours away with no way to get there. i'm pretty much devastated. i spent all morning crying and shaking and yelling at...everything. i'm just pissed. depressed. hurt. i wanna run but i dont know where. hiding in my own skin because i know no one will care. spending hours trying to find any way to get out of this place just for a few hours of happiness. if its not obvious i dont usually know what happiness is unless i'm crushed against a piece of metal singing every word of every song and hoping by some chance the lead singer will look down and notice me. wont get noticed today.

welcome home...

you throw love, hate, and god around like they're just words put on paper. as if they mean nothing at all. you throw me around as if i'm just another story. i mean nothing at all. but you mean nothing at all. you live your life in the slow lane, each car passing reminding you of how you're running out of gas and you're ten minutes late for...everything. you tell me you wouldn't mind dying. not living past 30. could it be because you sit around all day and worry about how you look, as opposed to your goals, dreams, and life in general? do you ever think? do you ever feel? you break hearts left and right and never seem to give a damn, but as soon as your heart is mentioned it's a tragic story of love, loss, and "oh nevermind. lets change the subject." but what about every girl that put her heart on the line for you? what about every girl that dealt with your shit just as long as i did? what about every other fool just like me who believed every word you said after you convinced them to, then got heartbroken, bruised, and left in the cold after so long? it's about damn time someone stands up and shows you how wrong you are. i know how you work. i've heard it all. i know just about everything about you and how you play your games. don't play games with someone who can play them better. but i'm not sinking down to your level because your level is hell. i've been there before. i'm staying on my level. and honestly, you dont know how i work. you'll find out.

finished a song i've been working on.
this one's actually gonna get recorded.
myspaced.
and hopefully just out there. at all. anywhere.

PS - it's really cool to get back on this thing to find a comment on my last post. it makes me happy, like someone actually reads this stuff. whoevers been commenting, thank you. =] <3

the end

there's a reason i let go of you. to make me stronger. for now i have to live my life without you. maybe one day i'll be able to let you in again, but pushing you out was hard enough. letting you in right now might be harder. i'm not willing to try yet. you put me through a year and a half of bullshit. lies. cheating. abuse. screaming. bleeding. and overall pain. physically and emotionally. you convinced me i'd be stronger if i held on for just a little bit longer, but when i let go i realized that you were completely wrong. because when i let go i found me, and i didnt know who i was. i knew who you were and who you convinced me i was. but finding the real me has been an adventure i'm never going to forget or regret. in the end i thank you for putting me through so much because it taught me many lessons. please don't mistake that for me forgiving you or forgetting you. i still hate you. but hating you made me love me.