deleted the last post because i had a sudden change of heart.

and thanks carli for making it happen.
"i looked up to you. you had the most determination out of anyone i know. and i dont know what fucking happened to you but i hate it. you're talking about how everyones given up on you but i havent. and if you keep going on this way i will."

yeah, i'm ugly.
yeah, i'm stupid.
yeah, i may never be worth anything.

but if you've got the nerve to sit there and give up on me, and judge me, and rub all of this in my face then you're not worth my time. i've got too much to live for to let people who will never matter get the best of me. i may run out of time and patience sometimes but give me a day to get myself together and i promise you wont regret it. i'm not perfect and no one is. it's okay to break down sometimes. believe me, it doesnt happen often and when it does it's small and almost unknown. i dont need to break down and cry every night. i dont need to waste my time wishing. i dont have to live this way. and thanks to you i have. but i'm not giving up on you because i never did and i never will. i only hope you'll never give up on me.

my schedule's getting busier by the minute.
panic at the disco - april 30th? i hope sooo.
i've got like a billion shows.
plus school and dance.
so i dont know when i'm gonna post here again.
talk to me!
AIM - J17J4N11
email - livinrightnow215@hotmail.com
myspace - www.myspace.com/suchaluzer

i'm sorry.

is that what you want to hear?
cause i just cant do this anymore.
i can't waste time crying.
thinking.
wishing.
i need something real.
and if this is what it takes...
i'll let go of everything ive ever believed in.
just to tell you that i'm sorry.

no matter how hard you try...

you're incapable of being perfect.
and i love it.
if you wanted it so bad you couldve said something.
last night i had a dream and you were in it.
you said, "and i think you'd be perfect"
but you never said for what.
i want to know.
tell me?
dancing in the parking lot of a new jersey jailhouse.
i found something very calming about the jersey turnpike.
i poured my hart and sole into every move.
the lights from passing cars set my mood perfectly.
the sound of sirens coming into the station.
drunks filing out of the cars.
people worrying as our bus sat there, missing a tire.
"alright, everyone back on board."
excuse me sir, but are you fucking insane?
policemen offered me coffee and gave me a place to sleep.
they saw me dancing, coming off a tour bus.
my head high but my hopes low.
they thought i was someone special.
and for a second, i felt special.
i wanted to be special.
but i wasnt. and i'm still not.
not to you. not to me.
you'll never understand why i wrote that story.
and you'll never understand why it hurt so bad
to have you blow it off that quickly.
when you acknowledged it i felt important for once in my life.
but you've already forgotten about it.
and my smile went along with it.
i'll keep you in my dreams
if you'll keep me locked inside your heart shaped box.

Fact: My psychiatrist is a G.

just got home from what was the longest 40 minutes of my life.
"so how has it been since we put you on the new medication? any side effects? still having trouble sleeping? well you could try this. oh by the way, how's your brother doing?" i dont know. i guess he's doing fine. maybe you should stop talking so i can go home and find out. whatever. i guess all he's trying to do is help. but don't say, "how do you feel deep down inside?" what? do you want me to get all deep and poetic on you? the only real emotion you're going to see from me is what's written in this journal. unless you come and find me at a fall out boy show. apparently those things are real tear-jerkers. i know this from experience(s).

if its not obvious yet, i'm having a pretty bad day.
i've had a horrible headache all day.
i feel like i'm going to die.
i got two hours of sleep last night.
-smacks insomnia in the face-
"fuck you, too."
people in school are being bitches.
obviously i'm not worth anyones time.
havent i said that before?
probably. i tend to repeat myself often.
i vary, very often.
"who are your heroes?"
"who rows?"
you never stopped to care.
until the sun set on your front door
and told you stories you'd probably heard before.
but you couldn't remember them.
because they never mattered.
they didnt make themselves known.
so those stories go unheard and die young.
was it worth the effort and five minutes of your night?
did i waste your time?
because if i did...
i'm not sorry.

pleasedontgonow,pleasedontfadeaway

so i fell asleep a while ago but just woke up. which kinda sucks cause i have insomnia so it's going to take me forever to get back to sleep and i have to be at school at 730 to take my biology and AP human geography exams. fun? NO...

well the reason i woke up...
i just had one of the scariest dreams i've had in a while. anyone who knows me knows that i've had bad dreams since the age of 8. i dont know why. they're just all really scary, when i remember them. some of them are alright. but most of the time theres some part of it that scares me and wakes me up. tonight was bad. i had a dream that i was sitting in an office about 20 stories up in some building in new york city. i got a phone call and dont remember what the person on the other line said. but it was enough to get me up and out of the office, running down the hallway. suddenly everything flashed and i was in front of a house. i ran up the stairs and found the first door to the right on the second level. i began to bang on the door and scream, trying anything to get it open but it was locked. i heard someone on the other side say, "i'm so sorry." and i heard what sounded like a body falling. i opened the door using a credit card [where i got one of those, i'm not sure]. the first thing i saw was a body laying on the floor with pills surrounding it. black hoodie. skinny jeans. black hair. then i looked around. it was pete's old room. i screamed and fell to my knees, finding any excuse. he's only sleeping, right? i was screaming "wake up" and nothing happened. so i layed there. confused and hurt. crying and angry. i felt a hand behind me grab my hair, pull me up, then stick a needle in my back. then i woke up.

i'm honestly really freaked out right now.
please tell me you're okay.

the story. [deleted]

"Wanna be there for you...cause no one was there for me."

about the header...

i went to north carolina last summer with some of my friends. we ended up running into a friend of mine who's a photographer. so we decided to have a giant photoshoot in the middle of the beach. i've been dancing since i was 3 so i was voted as model of the day. and thats only part of what we came up with. yes, that's me. yes, i'm ugly. no, i'm not a whore. i just happened to be wearing barely anything. deal.
now go read the other posts...this one isnt nearly as interesting as the rest of them.

Spring Break - Illinois...

So I'll be in Wilmette during March 17th-22nd [i think. i'm not sure of the exact dates but it's around there]. Except for two of the days where I'll be in Grayslake and Downtown Chicago. Havent been home to Wilmette in what feels like forever. Hayley said shes gonna take me back to Forest Avenue so i can see my old house. I have a feeling i'm gonna cry. Then turn around and look at Pete's old house and cry even more. Haha. I really miss Forest Ave. Good times there. Not really but I just miss it because of the history I have with it. haha. Downtown Chicago should be interesting. I havent seen it in a while. Has it changed at all? I heard Wilmette has changed. At least that's what Kellie told me. Stop by the diner and talk to me and Hayley. haha.

On a side note...Hayley's parents said she couldn't take me up to Wilmette anymore. But then they asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she said she wanted to take me to Wilmette. So I'm still going. Honestly, Hayley is probably the best friend I've had in a long time. She's done so much for me. She's the reason I'm even trying to get back in touch with Pete. Because she knows that if I dont i'll explode. And she knows why. If you'd like to know then e-mail me. But please don't criticize me and my story. I've been through too much shit to deal with that. Thanks. She's putting away her birthday wish to take me home. Northern Virginia has never been home to me and she knows that. And I can't thank her enough for everything shes done. Sometimes I think I dont give her the credit she deserves. She used all of her strength to get me to second row at YWT because she knew something would happen between me and pete. and something did happen. and its all because of her. She's the reason I even had the guts to go to the meet and greet November 11th in Fairfax and try to talk to pete, even though all I said was "thank you". If she wasnt there encouraging me and keeping me from crying and spilling everything i dont think I would've gone. I thank god every day that I have such good friends. Steph, Sara, Hayley - You mean the world to me whether you know it or not.

The one thing I really want for Hayley is for her to meet FOB. She loves them almost as much as I do. And shes never met them. And she really deserves to.
Dear Pete Wentz,
Come to Mrs. D's Diner in March...
Love,
Me

livinrightnow215@hotmail.com

haha. i'm lame.

"Hey, Wentz!!" "...I'm a Moore..."

People are ridiculous.
There's a girl in my school who's having a baby next month.
She's 15.

but on to another subject...the only one that truely interests me anymore. el fall out boy-o. last night my dad got really pissed off and walked out of my room, forcefully slamming the door so that the entire house shook. i was scared and pissed off. i locked my door and just sat there crying. two of my walls are almost completely covered in stuff i've gotten at fall out boy shows or really just anything relating to fall out boy. i turned up EOWYG as loud as i possibly could and just sat there staring at the pictures. those boys, no-fuck that, those four amazing people have come so far in what seems like such a short amount of time. and i'm so damn proud of them.

yeah i spend a lot of nights up in my room crying because i miss when all i had to do to see pete was walk outside of my front door, stare across forest avenue, and think "that kid is going places". but in the end all i really want is for him to be happy. no one, except for hayley, really knows that i've looked up to him since even before FOB was in the old crappy van. haha. and maybe its better that no one knows. but sometimes it kinda hurts that he doesnt know. i tried to tell him november 11th but my emotions got the best of me and i just couldnt.

in first period i was told to write a letter to the person who made me who i am today...here is what i wrote...i actually wrote two of them.

Dear Peter Wentz,
Days, hours, and minutes go by and most of them are spent thinking about how I never got the chance to say "hello, my name is Amelia". So here it is. Hello, my name is Amelia and all I've ever really wanted to do was get to know you for who you are. I never got that chance. I lived by you [Forest Avenue, FTW!] and I could've taken that chance but I didnt, and I regret that. Because over the years I've seen you get more and more popular and I've seen any chance I had of getting to know you go to waste. You'll never read this, and I'm almost okay with that. You'll never remember me, and I'm not okay with that. But maybe I have to be...You're the only person I have ever truely looked up to. As awkward and unrealistic as it sounds, you're the reason I am who I am today. And I'm pretty happy with who I am today. So i can't thank you enough for everything you've done and haven't done for me. It's all made me...me. Thank you.
Love,
Amelia

Dear Fall Out Boy,
Lately your music is the only thing that keeps me breathing and smiling. Through all the shit that has been going on in the past two months, you've been there. Not physically, but through the speakers. Every beat that forces itself out of my speakers has made this life worthwhile. I've finally got something to really believe in, and it's you. Do me a favor and have the time of your lives being super-amazing rockstars. That's almost all that I want. Patrick, you're the reason I sing and the reason I try so hard. You're such a cool guy. I dont even know how to explain how much I look up to you. By the way, you give the best hugs EVER so dont change that anytime soon. Andy, you absolutely amaze me. Your solo at HCT blew me away. I wanted to cry. [Technically, I already was. But you get the point, right? Haha.] Joe, I don't know how you do it. I could be having the worst day of my life and somehow you'd still find a way to make me smile. Pete, I already wrote you a letter. What more do you want? Haha. Kidding! But seriously. You guys are the reason I'm still living, and I know you probably hear that a lot but in my case it's really deep. Nothing makes me special but when you got me on stage at HCT, then when Pete got me into meet and greet at YWT, i felt special for the first time in my life. I really want to thank you. For everything.
Love,
Amelia

It may never mean anything to them but it means something to me.
Goodnight.

ifuckinghateyou.

pounding at the keys again, because that's all i can do on a friday night. it seems that no matter how hard i try, i'll never be good enough for anyone other than myself. maybe i should just give up on being social. i have one true friend and her name is stephanie. i have another friend named hayley but we dont get to see each other often. then there's sara. sara tends to ditch me. and i'm sick of it. i had a life for a long time, but maybe it wasnt the life for me. now i'm stuck at home alone on a friday night, pounding at the keys, breaking pens as i try to write what i feel, and crying because there's really nothing else to do. whats your definition of fun?

for everytime i've cried. for everytime i've been shot down. for every asshole that left me standing on the curb. for every teenage bitch that left me alone on a friday night. for every "best friend" that told me i'd never make it. for every person that told me i'd never reach my goals because only i believed in them. this is for you.

"Please...Don't worry about it now. Say sorry to me in a few years when I've got everything you want. Say sorry when the only words I have left to say back are I'm Not."

crank that fall out boy.

there's a rapper in my first period class every morning who likes to make remixes to songs. some of them are absolutely amazing. he did a remix of "Crank Dat Soulja Boy". It's now "Crank Dat Fall Out Boy". Hahaha. Amazing.
"Fall Out Boy up in this OHHH.
Watch 'em rock, and watch 'em roll.
Watch 'em crank dat Eff Oh Bee
and dance, dance that hoeee."
LMAO. i love it. seriously.

i'm still limping around school and the house, because i still have yet to see a doctor about my foot injury. all i did was land on it wrong. could it really be that bad? at this point my mom doesnt even know if i'll be able to dance on saturday. that would absolutely suck. we've already blocked formations and parts. to throw that on the entire company at short notice would be...bad.

i've pretty much given up on trying. you'll never notice me. and i may cry some nights, but eventually i'll get over it. my wish is that someday you'll look at me and say, "Ami! Havent seen you in a while...What's going on?" but that'll never happen. i miss when all i had to do to see you was step outside of my house and look to the left, across forest avenue. i miss when my only dream was to be able to actually carry on a conversation with you, because somehow you were everything i wanted to be. and still that's my dream. but now i've got a few more. and those new ones are realistic. i want to pass my sophomore year. i want to be worth something to somebody. for a while i thought i was worth something to you. but i guess not.
i'm sorry for calling.
i'm sorry for texting.
i'm sorry for trying.
goodnight.

you make me sick.

there's really not much to say. other than i'm really cold because out of nowhere it started snowing today. hopefully we'll get more snow tonight so that i dont have to walk around school tomorrow with an injured foot. my mom talked to a nurse and she said something about it being the tendons in my foot and how they're pulled or something. i have no idea. all i know is that i really want to get better by saturday. i have a performance and i'm not about to drop out of this one. i'm pretty excited about it.

I need to rant...You dont have to read this.

there are certain people in this world that make me want to scream. all they care about is what they see in TV and magazines. What if you've got it all wrong? You start bashing someone because they change a little, but what's that going to do for you? Absolutely nothing. And it was never relevant in the first place...or maybe it was.
Someone came into school with a binder that had stuff all over it about hating Ashlee and how she and pete shouldnt be together. Stuff like that ticks me off. I completely support their relationship. I look up to both of them for various reasons. Who are you to judge their relationship based on stuff youve seen in the media? And honestly, you're never going to marry Pete so give up. Kthx. And stuff about Pete changing so much and ignoring the fans. I've never seen him ignore a fan. He took time out of his schedule to get me into meet and greet because a lot of stuff was on my mind and he saw it. No one else would care like that. He pulled me on stage at HCT because I was being crushed against the barricade, and that saved my life. And you have the nerve to say that he doesnt care? If he was being so arrogant why would he update FOBR every once in a while to keep us posted? You need to stop shit talking and think for once. Everyone changes. It's natural. Sure, sometimes it seems like hes got a huge ego. But doesnt everyone at some point? "Before Ashlee he never drank!" You dont know that for sure. And if that is the truth then I really doubt she's the reason he's started drinking. I think i'd start drinking too if a bunch of people were bashing me. I've met Ashlee and she was one of the nicest people I've ever met. A friend of mine who absolutely hates her flicked her off and yelled "fuck you" but Ashlee just took it. She acted like it didnt bother her. I dont know if it did or not. But I know if someone did that to me I'd be pretty bothered. She's not the reason Pete has changed. And one more thing, all this shit about the "hardcore fans" being hurt by him ignoring the fans. I've been behind Fall Out Boy since they even became a band. I was at one of their first shows and I still remember talking to Wentz and seeing that he was the most genuine person I'd met. I'd consider myself a pretty hardcore fan. I know a lot of other kids who consider themselves hardcore fans. We're not hurt at all. If you're so much of a hardcore fan, then why arent you supporting his decisions? I'm not saying support them just because they're his. Sit and think about them, then decide what you're going to say. Don't jump to conclusions.

All of that was posted because a girl IMed me saying a bunch of shit about Pete. Obviously I'm in a really bad mood. I've got an injured foot, I can't dance, and now I have to deal with this shit. I'm not trying to change your opinions, so please don't try to change mine.

just for the record...

- insomnia sucks
- adderall doesnt work on "emo" kids
- no one is cool, expecially not you...

if you can't tell, i'm having a really bad morning. refer to the post about calling pete wentz. except replace "Pete Wentz" with my ex-boyfriend and a longer argument that included a lot of yelling, a lot of "fuck off"s, and a few "i hope you choke"s. thanks. bye.

tonight she's not alone...

last night at dance i landed wrong on my right foot. it's now swollen and purple and hurts like hell. Alli got food poisoning so I'm substituting some of her classes tonight. I dont know how I'm supposed to dance like this.

i had a dream last night that i was 17 years old and signed to decaydance and on tour with fall out boy and ashlee simpson. i was sitting backstage at some venue and ashlee walked in and was like, "amelia m***e...i really need to talk to you about something..." so i was like "sure why not..." then she pulled out some paper and said, "your DNA test came back...its positive." so then pete came up and was like "wait what did you say?" and she said something else but i didnt hear it. so i went on stage and played a few songs then i went into some room and i was sitting on patricks lap [wtf?] and i looked up and pete was there looking at the paper and crying. then he looked up at me and was like "why didnt i see it?" then i found a picture of my old house on forest avenue and pete was like, "so it was you..." then pulled up his sleeve and there was a tattoo of Team Ninja on his arm really small. needless to say, i woke up crying.

[last name blocked so creepy stalkers will leave me alone.]

why cant i turn off the radio?

listening to patrick stump[h]'s cover of "so sick" by neyo. everytime i hear patrick sing it amazes me. he really is the reason i even try lately. he's amazing. this is the same kid that i saw a few years ago. the same kid that was just "alright". and now he's the reason i sing. that's awesome. good job patrick. i'm proud of you.

it's 620AM and i honestly do not feel like getting up at all. last night i actually remembered to take my insomnia medicine. still i didnt even get to sleep until about 1AM. i'm really starting to get sick of insomnia. someone else can have it now.

leave me alone stupid love song.

only hope...

ive spent years chasing you to get your attention. but now the chase has taken a few minutes to stop. tonight i was told that there's a possibility that you're running through my blood. there's a chance that we're related. i've spent ten years chasing someone that i couldve just found through a few family reunions. i am the stupidest person i know. i never saw it before. everyone saying, "wow you two look alike" and, "wow you two are practically the same person". But i never saw it. maybe i was scared to. but now i see it. there are things about my life that i havent been told. things about my family. and now i want to hear them more than ever. the thought of you being connected to me through marriages and other bullshit is just...amusing. i mean i dont know it for a fact. but somehow it just would explain a lot. i dont see how it adds up yet but i hope to find out. it would just explain so much...you have no idea.