never-was

- Been writing songs like no bitch knows lately. Some of them are good. Some of them are great. Most of them are total bullshit. But I'm hoping that at some point one of my songs will make its way to your headphones.
- I've also been writing a book, as weird as that sounds. I was approached with the idea a while ago, and I've finally started working on it. What's weird is that I was approached with the idea by an actual company, as opposed to one of my random friends saying, "how rad would it be if..." It was a little shocking. Like...I'm actually interesting? Are you serious? This is impossible. It's been pretty cool though to finally be able to say exactly what I've wanted to say for years now.
- Been helping out my brothers shitty band. They auditioned a few singers yesterday. There was this girl who came who totally blew away everyone else. It'll be nice to see them move in a new direction.
- Been editing some videos and whatnot. Putting together a project called, "A Day in The Life of Ami..." It's going to be pretty fantastic. Trey has been following me around with a camera for a few days now. It feels like I'm on some weird reality show. "Like oh my gahhh. she did not!"

Overall things have been alright. When I look past the boy drama, school stress, and total anxiety over life itself, everything's been pretty good. You can do the math. I'm too tired. Goodnight, moon.

take it back.

spent all night writing songs.
they've been coming along like crazy.
my creativity has just shot through the roof.
it's all wentz's fault, i guess.
okay well there are other people inspiring me.
but theyre not being mentioned yet.

wrote a song about kyle.
played it last night.
cried.
whats new?

and again...

you manage to find a way to make me happy.
i dont know how you do it, kid.
but its working.
today i looked in the mirror,
just because you told me to.
and i thought about myself.
then i thought about you.
and i smiled.
and...and...and
i'm actually really happy.

promise...

updating from the corner of existance. still trying to grasp the idea that maybe every wrong progressed from a right. and they ask me what progression means but all i can say is "i have no idea." because these thoughts just make me suffocate. every word you whisper keeps me wishing i could be dead. but i bought a stereo to drown out your submissive replies to all the questions that everyone is still scared to ask. ive spent hours hiding in a reckless yet valiant story of love, loss, and hate. "somehow you still wonder if i've got what it takes." when everyone around me sits and wonders what i'm thinking, it makes me wonder why they'd be so interested in the story of one girl who waited until she was sixteen years old to give herself a shot at living. shes been through hell to get to this point, and yet she still lies awake at night wondering if she'll make it in the world; if she'll ever be successful and important to anyone other than herself. this girl, cold and distant, smiled for the first time today. of course she's smiled before but when was the last time she actually meant it? hiding behind a fake smile for 16 years, she started to see that life itself was never meant to be taken for granted. now that this girl has truely meant to smile, she wonders if he meant anything he said that made her smile.

"Dont make this easy. I want you to mean it."

"one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster..."

I really cant believe it's been one year. I'm trying to find the words to mask the fact that one year ago tomorrow, the only person who defended me when I was younger was killed. They say it's easier to forget, but its taken me a year and I'm still not over it. Somehow, the day he died I lost all my security. I used to never let the world beneath me crumble. I never had to sit at a piano and bleed just to put words on the paper. Lately it seems like so much has changed in the past year, and I want how things used to be back. I want to feel that security again, knowing someone will be there to catch me if I fall. I want to feel like someone cares and someone knows what its like to be the focus of verbal attacks. The light from the moon shines on my pale, cursed walls. Each ray that reflects is reminiscent of the morning he left. The way my floor creaks, the sound that makes my blood boil every morning, reminds me of how at some point I could be gone too. The sunrise reminds me of how in the past 12 months I've become nostalgic for riots and chemicals that could only make the pain worse. I see who I used to be and who I am today and wonder what specific moment in time made me want to be so low. It was the day he died. He gave his life so that others could survive. He ran into a house to save a life, not knowing that that life was just fine. Kyle's the kind of guy who deserves to be considered a hero and deserves to be recognized for what he's done. He's a hero, and not one of those fake ones that Hollywood wanted to create. A real hero. When I sit and think about it, its all changed the way I see things. Now it makes me feel like a total wimp when I'm sitting here crying over some boy, when there are people around the world crying over the fact that they cant do anything to stop their love from dying. It's too late to explain the conspiracy I've been living in, but maybe someday I'll let it all out. As for now, it's been one year and I'm finally learning to live, laugh, love, and breathe knowing that Kyle's okay. This year has taught me to appreciate each breath I take, because any one of them could be my last. I used to dream of monsters and blood-stained walls lining this cold-hearted, three story hell house. Now each sunrise and sunset paints these pictures that haunt me, but not so much haunting as just trying to make this life seem worthwhile. I wake up every morning and breathe in the polluted air that surrounds DC. Though it could suffocate me, it makes me wake up and realize that there are always going to be those days where I just don't want to wake up. I have to wake up. For me. For everyone who couldn't wake up. For the kids who spend countless hours lying in cold rooms wishing they didnt have to wake up; kids who are just like who I used to be. For Kyle. For each day that I've spent this past year wishing I could be dead too. I don't regret the experience, though. It's taught me so many lessons. All I can say from here is that life is finally looking up. Things are going as planned and somehow, someday, this is all going to make sense.


RIP Kyle. <33

its possible that these guys are the shit...

they're pretty much a big deal.
check out my friends band, Divided We Fall.
they just posted a new song.
its pretty amazing.

www.myspace.com/dividedwefallva
www.myspace.com/dividedwefallva
www.myspace.com/dividedwefallva
www.myspace.com/dividedwefallva
www.myspace.com/dividedwefallva

ps - if you want to add me on myspace, i'm on their top friends. hahah.
Ami[smbp][dwf]

vie ghets?

So i think im just gonna start posting webisodes as this little project moves along. it's coming together very nicely. and you still dont know what it is...bahahahah.

=]

here's a hint...
if you can figure it out from this
you're a genius. hahah.

hallelujah...

that word makes me wonder. that song sends chills down my spine for just one reason. if you're smart enough, you can figure it out. if not...here's a hint...



written november 10th, 2007:
drop the keys. hold yourself up.
you've got too much to live for.
and i swear when the first pill went down,
i cried "no" without knowing why.
it just came out.
then i heard the news...
and tried to remember every word you said.
but i couldnt...and i still cant.
i have no way of proving my existance.
but you need to know one thing...
"maybe yr just like me. maybe no one is."
i swear i am.
hallelujah.
you're not the only one
who swallowed the blues.

catching on...

every day gets harder.
every night gets colder.
each prayer is wasted on one boy.
all my dreams are becoming distant.
the light is fading.
the colors bleeding.
everyone around me says i've lost it.
i'm losing my touch.
that smooth, deep poetic attitude
towards life and whats around me.
and they may be right,
but i never wanted to be this way.
i wanted to be me, and i was.
but the sunrise now keeps me away
from feeling empty.
the sky burns beautiful colors
and each one is reminiscent
of the night you said you'd stay another day.

dont worry, i'm not losing myself.
this is just the beginning.
you have no idea what i'm cooking up this time.

ignorance.

you've got my life in your hands.
take it. break it. whatever.
i've been looking for a reason to trust you
but every path leads to failure.
i've given you my heart on a string.
i've let myself go just for you.
and you throw it away.
i could call you threatening my own life
and you'd laugh, proclaiming victory.
because i wasnt worth it and i'm sure of that.
don't pretend you never thought about
just completely ignoring me.
my attempts at trying to trust someone
who never cared in the first place.
and once or twice you cared.
you saved me from the end.
but whats it worth now
if you cant say you're sorry?
if you cant be here one more time?
if i've poured my heart into silly words
that youll probably never read or care about?
i'm done trying.
if you're here...if you're reading this...
i miss you.

and still...

no but see you've got me all wrong.
i'm not amazing.
never was. never will be.
i'm just one girl
trying to find herself.
trying to find whats right and whats wrong.
trying to make the most of the life i've been given.
but along the way, shit happens.
call it tough. call it writing material.
but this life has been worth living.
every second of it.
i'm not going anywhere,
as long as you'll stay around.
because when you're not here, i'm different.
i can't stop myself
from doing the things i hate.
from being the person i hate.
and when you're here,
i smile more.
i breathe deeper.
i sleep better.
i dream of things other than monsters.
when you're here,
i'm me.

i cant believe you...

on april 16th it will be one year since kyle died. i have no idea how i'm going to handle it. i'm crying right now just thinking about it.

what pisses me off is that this guy i know had the nerve to sit there and say he didnt get why i was crying over it. basically implying that kyle wasnt worth the tears. and he has no fucking idea. he never knew him. if he wanted to make me cry, he couldve said something else. he didnt have to go that far...