oh, you have no idea...

i've been working on something pretty crazy. and luckily it's all starting to come together. less stress. less drama. more "omg this shit is gonna be insane". more sleepless nights, but totally worth it in the end.

going back up to wilmette at the end of july.
more than excited.
i miss illinois so much.

about my last post...there are a lot of people around me that continually doubt any efforts that i make as far as making myself better. they tell me i'm never going to be worth anything. they dont believe in me. and honestly, i cant thank them enough. because it pushes me to do more than i've expected. their harsh words have pushed me to try to be the absolute best and now that its finally starting to come together, i'm really happy. a lot happier than i have been. and there are people around me that try to stop me from becoming anything more than what i am right now, and they dont see that everytime they say I can't do it, I'm sitting alone in my own world thinking about what my next move will be. people push me down, kick me, and scream in my face that i'm nothing more than a 16 year old depressed screw-up. but watch how quickly i stand back up and prove them wrong.

make it bleed.

I sit alone in my room, everyone asking what the hell my problem is. My music as loud as it can possibly be, I sing along and hear it come until my ears bleed. I've been touched where no 16 year old girl should be touched. I've screamed the words that no girl should have to think of; "I want to die". I've been through hell trying to get to one point and now that the light is finally shining just a little bit, I'm wondering if it's what I ever really wanted. And it is. So I'll fight for it. I'm willing to stand up against the entire world if I have to, but at some point I'm going to be worth something. And if you try to stop me, you're fucking stupid.

"Fully alive, more than most.
Ready to smile and love life."

...and breathe

went to a friends birthday party tonight. i'm sorry but I left early. i was way too sober to deal with some of those people.
what really made me go "whaaaaat" was when i walked in and EVERYONE yelled "omg ami!!!!!!" and ran over to me. i didnt know most of those people. then this girl asked for a picture with me. i'm really scared to find out why all of that happened...hayley's supposed to tell me tomorrow morning. oh god. last time something like this happened, it was because someone had started a really interesting rumor about me. which fortunately was pulled back and stopped spreading. it was bad. people in the mall would stop me and ask me questions and at one point i had to have mall security and a few cops walk me out of the mall just so i could get away from people. people would come up to me and ask for pictures with me and i had no idea what was going on until i walked into hot topic and the girl working the register was like "ohh. you're that fall out boy girl right?"

needless to say, i had to try my hardest to stop that rumor before it spread out of northern virginia/maryland/DC.

about to explode.

this week has been the week from hell. there's been all this drama between this guyyy and my friend. it's been stressing me out so bad and i really wish i could talk to him about it. blahhh. then my friend jeremy left his band, which is absolutely depressing. those guys were absolutely amazing and without jeremy it's just gonna be so different. then two of my good friends who were dating broke up and i was stuck in the middle of it. now literally everyone is annoying me. like i just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. this is all bullshit.
it's like...i've got to deal with school, dance, and work. now i've got to deal with drama, break-ups, and stress on top of that. this is seriously the worst it's ever gotten too. i really just feel like locking myself in my room and never coming out because it seems like nothing would go wrong and if it did then i wouldnt have to hear about it.

and to top it off, this insane plan that me and steph have been working on is becoming more impossible by the minute. in order to get permits and contracts with i dont even know how many different companies and shit, we have to spend almost every waking second concentrated on this and i dont have the time or patience for that. but luckily we've got a meeting with a guy who's gonna help us sort everything out tomorrow. so it should get easier. hopefully.

it's cold and rainy outside. my brother just called to brag about how he's at Chipotle. My best friend keeps talking about all her drama. And its like...I've had the week from hell. Can we just talk about something happy for once? Something that wont make me want to scream "fuck everyone"?

ay bay bay...

So I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but I'm kind of a big deal. Just kiddinggg. My brother said that to me earlier. Thought it was pretty funny. But on another note...This absolutely insane idea i've been working on is coming along nicely. Steph and I are teaming up to rock this town so hard it will NEVER be the same. But that's all I'm going to say.

Possibly getting a new blog/site soon.
More details later.

Goodnight.

There is...

Go listen to "There Is" by Boxcar Racer.
It's pretty much the soundtrack to my life right now.
No joke, this song is amazing.

Dislocated something in my back.
It hurts like a bitch.
But doctors scare me.

I'm working on something that I believe is going to be absolutely insane. I'm not going to say what it is yet. Just know that you're either going to love it or hate it. There is no "in-between". This is gonna be the craziest shit that northern virginia has seen in a long time.

By the way, check out my friend Ryan's blog.
He's the most amazing kid I've ever met.
He basically saved my life once or twice.
While dealing with his own shit.
He's been through a lot in a short time.
It only took him two weeks to learn piano
and release a CD world-wide.
So check it out. This kids crazy.
www.ryanbeatty.com

obama, ftw.

i want one of those shirts.
no joke.

lacking creativity.
filling pages of paper with recycled thoughts.
things i've said over and over and over again
to the point where they just get old and die out.
cliche lines written from my point of view;
16 going on 30, hating pretty much everything.
spending every second with boys in bands.
waiting for someone to go on tour.
take me with you. i hate it here.
every sound that fills a speaker,
fills the void that's left in me.
you still wonder if i've got what it takes
to be a good friend and catch you when you fall.
youve caught me so many times.
you let me breathe when no one else would.
you made me smile when i wanted to die.
and somehow you're still a stranger.

midnight vodka breakdown...

note: dont drink vodka when you're depressed.

spent most of last night trying to figure out who i am. i just need a major change. i'm tired of being stuck in northern virginia. i want to break out and never look back because every inch of this town makes me sick.
spent a lot of last night crying and trying to figure out why no one will see me the way i want them to see me. like there's this guy that i kinda like but i know that he doesnt like me in the same way. he wants to be friends. and i'd be fine with that, except he's fucking perfect. i can't be down when he's around because he makes me smile way too much. he's one of three people in the world that has truely made me feel good enough and worth something. and it kinda hurts that he doesnt know that...
My best friend Steph knows me better than I know myself. She's been here for me since first grade when we couldn't figure out how to spell "Devil" on the bus home from school. She gives the best advice and I'm so glad that I have a friend like her. Last night I sent her a really long message about how I was feeling and she sent me one of the best responses I've ever gotten. I told her I don't feel like I fit in and she said, "I felt the same way. And it goes along with that whole wanting a good boyfriend thing. Because if you cant love yourself, no one else will." And she's totally right.

I think I'm gonna start over.

i still think about you...

These three people mean so fucking much to me. And there are times when I can't stop thinking about them. There are nights that I lie awake for hours crying, trying to find reasons why it all had to happen. For almost a year it's just felt like everyone around me is dying. Now things are starting to look up for me. And I'm happier. And I'm finding it easier to let it all go, to know that they're okay and everythings going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I just need to get this all out and vent a little. I wish I could say more but I dont want to post some 8 page long entry.

Kyle - Kyle was killed fighting a fire on April 16th, 2007. He was my hero and still is. When the neighborhood kids would pick on me and call me names, he was always the first one to stand up for me. He had no idea how much that meant to me and each day gets harder knowing that he never heard it straight from me. But he's safe now and he's made it clear that everything's okay. <3

Molly - On February 5th, 2008 Molly commited suicide. She was the bright side of every Thursday night for me. I would walk into dance and hear her say, "Hey Fall Out Boy Girl..." and that nickname is staying with me. I still dont understand why she did it, but I do know that depression is a hard thing to battle and sometimes it just gets the best of people. She's happy and doesn't have to feel pain anymore. <3

Grandpa - My grandpa died December 5th, 2007. His heart just stopped beating as he and my grandmother were driving on the beltway to go to his doctors appointment. He was my hero. He was so proud of everything I did and that meant so much to me. No one else ever showed that much appreciation for my dance competitions and performances. He was proud of who I've become and I'm going to make sure it stays that way. Each holiday is getting harder, knowing that he wont be sitting at the dinner table to keep us all in line. But he didnt have to feel pain, and I'm thankful for that. And each day I thank God that he didn't have to go in a horrible way. <3

*sigh*

there's so much i wish i could say to him.
he's absolutely amazing.
i can't be down when he's around.
cause everything he says
is another reason to smile.
he may never know.
and i'm not okay with that.
it hurts...a lot.
but i can't tell him.
i'm scared. cause he'll just leave.
and again i'll be all alone.
[this has nothing to do with what you think.]
"Here I am with my heart in my hands,
praying you'll take what's left of me,
and make me feel alive again.
Here you are with your head in the clouds,
missing my signals as I scream them out.
Could you take the pain away?
Each day, just another headache.
Another match begging to be lit.
Telling me to run away.

But you could take it all away.
The headaches and this pain.
And you could take it all away.
Please stay just one more day."

missing you?

no. i dont miss who you used to be. you have no idea how happy i am for you right now. ive waited a while to be able to look at you and think something other than, "it wouldn't kill him to smile once in a while..." and you have the nerve to fucking say that it never mattered. and don't even try to back it up this time. because dammit i've waited a long time to be able to say this...i fucking idolize you. for everything you really are. for everything you are now that you weren't before. you think we all just want you in a ditch, don't you? we want you to talk about how much you hate yourself? right. totally. because no one actually sees the emotion behind that, "i'm an asshole" front. i cant believe you this time. I really cant.

and we've got everybody singin...

stuck in a spring shower daze.
writing lyrics that no one will understand.
left out in the cold,
fighting every word you've said to me.
call me out, make it count.
cause every word you say
makes me try so much harder.
trying to make myself worth something.
trying to get someone interested in what i have to say.
waiting for someone to waste 5 minutes
reading sick, sad poetry
from a girl who never mattered to anyone but herself.
my creative writing director says i've got potential.
he says i've got a way with words,
a talent for conveying strong emotions.
he doesnt know that none of this is fiction.
my friends will never know who i really am.
and maybe i'm better off that way.
because my pen hides so many secrets
and no one needs to know what they are.
there's only a few people in this world
that can feel the magic in the ink
as it hits the page and spills stupid stories;
stories we didn't think we had in us.
but to get someone reading it.
to get someones attention; interested,
is a feeling no one can explain.
no one can describe it.
and if you've been here before,
i'm standing in your shadow
waiting for you to turn around
so i can finally say thank you
and make my peace
and leave.

break out, break out.

working for warped tour again this summer.
i'm pretty much beyond excited.
trying to get sara to come with me
to the VA Beach and DC shows.

going back to Wilmette for a week in July.
gonna visit Tante Edith.
(aunt edith...sorry. german.)
i'm pretty excited.
possibly working at the diner.
Mrs.D's Wilmette Diner, ftw.

Going to Philadelphia to promote
at the PA honda civic tour show.
phantom planet...they rawk.

in DC on april 26th.
promoting for FBR.
at the paramore/jimmy eat world tour.

i'm beginning to really like this.
the whole promoting thing.
doing stuff for fueled by ramen.
i think i like the idea of learning about it all.
being a part of something i really love.
seeing what its like behind the scenes.
i wonder what i'd have to do
to be an intern or something...
"you'll be doing the bitch work."
well...maybe i want to.
"you'll be the kid they send to bands
when they just need someone to bitch at. haha."
awesome. you said you didnt think i could handle it.
please doubt me. because last time you doubted me
it made me try even harder.
and i ended up better than you did.

Ich weiss nicht beenden.
Sie brauchen nicht erschrecken mich.
(I don't quit. You don't scare me.)

it feels like...

everything around me is just slowly dissolving. i'm walking around with no direction, just on autopilot. it's like i'm not even me anymore. i cry every night and have no reason to look up and ask why. gone almost a week without sleep, waiting for the sun to set on everything i've ever believed in. i'm just having a hard time believing that you were never here...

you've got more than love. remember that.
never forget it. because you forgot everything else
and it just seems like forgetting this would take you out.
i dont want to see you fall as hard as I did.

dyed my hair brown, with blonde highlights.
let the sun shine in my bedroom.
let the world listen to every word i have to sing.
starting over. getting over it.
you were 40 minutes away.
and it killed me every second
knowing i could be standing right next to you.
staring at the capital talking about the weather.
how shitty it is in DC.
how the traffic here never stops for anything.
how i hate it...a lot.
and here i am again.
sitting in the same room i've been in for ten years.
wondering why my prayers never get answered.
blaming it all on god
because no one else is here.
i miss it more than you know.
i'm praying that one day we'll run into each other
and without the questions, just remember everything.
that would be a big deal to me.
next time you're here, stop by and say hello.
because it just might save me again...