5 guys. 1 girl...

5 hour drive to New Jersey.
In a civic.
Oh god...I'm scared.

ive lost my power...

words turn into fists. fists turn into shaking hands held in handcuffs. he yells and throws a punch over nothing. kicking and screaming and still trying to figure out what could've gone wrong. anger in his eyes, hes taking the walk of shame. the path that no one has seen quite like he has. and still i wonder what hes thinking. why he did it. if that much anger has been locked inside of him for all this time. what made him let it out? who told him to let it out on me?

so i sit and pray that one day this life will get easier. one day this life will be everything i wanted it to be and i wont have to regret anything. i dream of feeling happy because i cant do it in reality. i smile often but it hides 16 years of insomnia and bullshit. you still wonder what makes me stay alive. it's the words and music pulsing through my headphones. it's the way the floor feels when its vibrating because of the sound coming from the giant speakers that line a stage every night. it's the way the lights from stages shine in my eyes, blinding all uncertainty. it's the way i can pour everything i have into a few words and no one needs to know what they mean as long as they communicate clearly. you wonder why i've been dancing since i was 2 and a half, but still i want to be around music for the rest of my life. you wonder why i spend so much money and time going to shows. because its so clear. it's so real. it validates my existance. if you can't believe the words you've been given, how can you scream them? how can you sing them? how can you understand them? if you cant hear whats happening behind the man singing, "this aint a scene its a god damn arms race", how can you say you're hearing everything he's feeling?
he strikes a chord and i get chills.
they run straight through me.
and he keeps me singing along.
so that i never have to feel alone again.
he keeps me translating thoughts.
so i dont have to keep them locked inside.
words should only build up through ink.
he keeps me thinking.
he keeps me dreaming.
he keeps me wishing.
he keeps me...
alive.

dear ashlee simpson...

i fucking love her for the song "Rule Breaker".
its amazing. no joke.
i listened to it tonight.
and no one understood why i was like
"OMG! hahahahaha"
=|
bitches.
some chick was like, "she's rubbing it in our faces! i hate her!" and i was like "...who else would write something like this? hell yeah shes rubbing it in our faces. if i were her i'd be tired of the bullshit too." seriously. you kids need to give up as soon as possible. oh! i've decided it's my official goal this year to get a picture with pete and ashlee. just to see how many people comment it like "zomg wtfffffff." hahahaha.
if anyone's coming to LBW's recital this year [either 1pm or 6pm show] you HAVE to watch 5th Position's dance. We're supposed to be acting like people around new york city. So me and Jaime are going to be Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Bahaha. Katie's gonna be paparazzi. Who wants to see how many people we piss off? Me.
[5th position is my studios performing company. chill.]

last night was fun.
70 people in my basement.
i'm finally 16.
3 months until i get my drivers license.
i'm watching Across The Universe.
fucking amazing.
someone should try this with a ton of PATD songs.
no joke. it would totally work.

february 15th is the best day ever.

except not rly.
its just my birthday.
nothing special.

jaime had a dream that pete wentz called me and was like "happy birthday! you win!" and i was like "win what?" and he was like "nothing!" then hung up. total WTF moment. that would be the best sweet sixteen present ever though. just a random call from fall out boy. wishful thinking. i'm done now.

everyone around here asks for a car for a sweet sixteen present. i asked for a macbook so that i could use garageband and have better shit to record my music on. apparently i'm a total lameass. i hope your BMW breaks down.

goodnight...morning...whatever.

NIU <3

"On Thursday, February 14, 5 students were shot and killed at North Illinois University, before the gunman turned the gun on himself. 15 others were shot and wounded during the shooting."
well...happy fucking valentines day.
today was shit. seriously.
i'm SO done with it.

RIP

A Hero From A Thousand Paces.

I really dont understand why this is happening. Anyone who knows me knows that my life practically revolves around Fall Out Boy and A Hero From A Thousand Paces. But tonight I found out that HERO broke up. My first reaction was to go talk to Ryan about it but he deleted his myspace which gave me a clue that somethings wrong. I've spent all night crying hysterically, trying to find any way to reach him. I finally got his e-mail and I'm hoping to God that he reads what I sent him. I just dont understand it. It's not fair. I'm losing everything that means the most to me. This sucks. I cant stand to see those boys just let it go. It hurts. I cant even really breathe right now.

I hate this.

Don't tase me, bro!

Having a party for my sixteenth birthday on Friday. That almost became impossible a few days go until someone* changed my mind. Long story. Don't ask questions. They wont get you anywhere. I'm pretty excited about this though. The first thing thats gotten me in a good mood in a while. I really hope it turns out to be amazing. I mean nothing in the world could top HCT or YWT. Unless Fall Out Boy just randomly showed up at my house on Friday to say happy birthday. But we all know that that's never going to happen. So for now I'm just content with having the best party DC's seen in a while. Apparently I'm an attention whore so this should be good. Except Bryan's planning on kicking Rusty's ass and I'm not about to deal with that on my birthday. Soo I've got security. Hahaha. Bitches wanna fight? Fight my body guard. If you win you can stay. My money's on my dad, Don, Gus, Dan, Mike, and Anthony though. Try it, seriously.

=|

is it even worth it?

you even said that living's just a waste of breath. dont do anything i'd do. it's not worth it. i tried to get out and couldnt. then i saw your comment and wondered if you even care at all or if it's just another typical reaction. what's the point in waiting for an answer if i'm not going to get one? when you find one real reason to care about anything, let me know. that'll be the day that i see the stars align and drop one by one just to shine the brightest light across faces that dont give a shit about anything other than you.

i wont do it.
as long as you dont.

"Dont cry. This is a fucking Fall Out Boy show..."


Peter...Dont tell me not to cry.
ps - i love how lizzi keeps holding up that bear. hahahah.
"Ami! He's talking to you! Throw the bear!"
"What the fuck!?"

That video just made my day.
Been sick all day.
Havent been in the best mood all week.
But that made me smile.
I hope something like that happens again.
Or something like YWT.
"Ami? Whats up? Tell me whats wrong."
"Nothing!"
"Come to meet and greet and talk to me..."
"uhm...are you sure you wana do that pete?"

Anyways.
Enough remembering.
Lets get back to right now...

these scars, they will not fade away.

tonight was a rollercoaster. a lot of tears. a lot of questions and confusion about everything that's happened this week. there's so much to talk and think about but no one wants to say it. tonight in tap class we didnt even dance. we just sat there talking and crying, still trying to take it all in. and no one understands it but maybe we need to try to. there are different sides of people that we dont always see because we dont see them 24/7. one woman suffered and is now finding peace. all we can do is try to accept that, as hard as it is. she's happy. she's safe.

"you shine brighter than anyone does."

i need you now more than ever.

i'm writing this in a state of shock, confusion, and panic. every thursday at the studio there's a woman who came in to talk to me and my friends. every thursday. she gave me the nickname Fall Out Boy Girl and that nickname's going to stick for quite some time. i found out today that she commited suicide yesterday morning. i dont understand why anyone could do that. i really dont.

so i sit on the edge of my bed
with my head in my hands
just asking God why
he could take such a person.
My chest and fists tighting
as I remember everything.
As I try to forget that this is happening.
But I cant. It's pounding at my head.
It's screaming as loud as it can.
It's real.
xo

Please tell me you're okay.
I need you now more than ever.
One of the thoughts running through my head
is what you said the other day.
About if you made it through.
Please promise me you're not going anywhere.

oh yeah!

erase it because forgetting is the best answer, right?
maybe you've known that all along.
maybe i've been leading myself on.
starting to scare myself with the words i write.
twisted poetry that makes my doctors wonder
if i'll ever get used to the medication.
but they dont understand
that every word i write
is for you.
even if i have to beg.
even if i have to scream it in your face.
one day you have to know the truth.
because living knowing that i never told you
may just be the death of me.
but i dont worry about death.
because it's avoided me for a long time.
lately it's been laughing in my face.
but it's still a long way away.
so i've still got time
to write one more rhyme
and pray to god you hear it.
i've never been so sure of anything.
i'm so sure that you're listening.
you never said you were.
but a part of me knew...wished.
so dont let me down.
cause i wont let you down.

the morning that pete wentz made me cry...

I dont think you know how much I appreciate you.
How much I look up to you.
How much I care about you.
How much I believe in you.
And dont say 'if' because its the only word
that kept me in a ditch for two years.
I'm falling apart too.
Lets fall apart together.
That's the only thing that may save me.
But I could never matter.
My story never mattered.
And you think I still dont care.
Sure you completely ignored the only
piece of my history thats real anymore.
The only thing thats kept me breathing, dreaming.
But I'm never letting go.
Because you mean that much to me.
And if you're going to give up,
this easily, this quickly,
then you're not who I thought you were.
Not at all.

alright so...

last night i went to a party.
and me and mike ended up playing two songs.
GINASFS - Fall Out Boy
Pieces Of Me - Ashlee Simpson
and surprisingly, we didnt screw it up.
so if anyone has a video of it
please send it to me. thanks.

because i finally have time...

short update from my phone. ive spent all week fighting myself to stay awake. been working on schoolwork. been writing new music. been recording. been promoting for fbr. been fighting with kinkos about fbr flyers. sleep? nahhh.

dead impulse
930 club in dc
february 17th
you better be there