reality check.

This girl was confident, smart, happy, and proud of everything she was. She never let anyone bring her down or get the best of her, until she met you. Lying to herself in the mirror every morning, swearing you loved her, this girl began to lose that light in her eyes. The glow from her skin just kept fading, until finally she had hit rock bottom. It was all because of you. She'd never been so low, but you put her there.
Now she walks on the side of the road with her school books in her hands. Looking like she wants to fall to her knees and pray that someone will just pick her up, she just keeps walking and focusing on what's waiting for her as soon as she opens her front door. A mile and a half later, she reaches her home and opens the door to find nothing but silence. For a quick second, she wonders if you'll ever come back but then she reminds herself of what you put her through.
That girl cried herself to sleep every night. That girl thought about taking her own life. That girl was convinced that she wasn't and never would be good enough. That girl was harassed and bullied by the only person she really trusted at the time. That girl...was me. Now I can see the light in my eyes coming back and the glow in my skin getting brighter. When I let you go, I could see my life without you and it was so much better. I guess I do have a lot going for me, like my family and friends always tell me. I almost lost myself and let all of that go...and it's all your fault.

I open my eyes to the Virginia sunrise outside of my window. I complain about how early it is. I spend hours in school listening to boring lectures and waiting until my hand falls off from taking so many notes. I get home and complain about walking so far and so long. I sit down and think...about how there are people in much worse situations. There are people fighting for their lives, who would kill to even get the chance to sleep in a warm bed, go to a good school, have a home, or walk. I just don't want to complain anymore. Really.

60XXX

all i have to say about this is...

what the fuck.
i'm so confused.

but on another note...

in a bad mood, and the ice cream man outside wont shut the hell up. i guess he knows my neighbors so he'll sit outside their house talking to them for at least an hour with that stupid music playing. last time the cops told him to "shut the fuck up". Yeah. I love my town. it would be a lot better and less annoying if he was playing songs off of "Infinity On High". but we all know that wouldn't happen.

just needed to do my daily complaining.
thanks.
xo.

i'm not stupid.

i know what you're trying to do
and it's not going to work.
did you really think calling me
would clear the situation up?
as if your immaturity would just fix it?
does bitching me out make you feel strong?
does harassing a 16 year old girl
make you feel like a man?
cause you never were a man.
you were more of a girl than i am.
if you were calling to say sorry
which i doubt you were
then you should know that i'm not.
and i wont forgive you...ever.

sticks and stones may break my bones
but words will always hurt worse...

please dont go now. please dont fade away. pt 2.

was supposed to go see all time low today in maryland. probably the most important show to me all summer. fall out boy hasnt been touring. my whole summer has sucked. so i was counting on this to cheer me up a little. two of my friends dropped out. so now me and jamie are stuck two hours away with no way to get there. i'm pretty much devastated. i spent all morning crying and shaking and yelling at...everything. i'm just pissed. depressed. hurt. i wanna run but i dont know where. hiding in my own skin because i know no one will care. spending hours trying to find any way to get out of this place just for a few hours of happiness. if its not obvious i dont usually know what happiness is unless i'm crushed against a piece of metal singing every word of every song and hoping by some chance the lead singer will look down and notice me. wont get noticed today.

welcome home...

you throw love, hate, and god around like they're just words put on paper. as if they mean nothing at all. you throw me around as if i'm just another story. i mean nothing at all. but you mean nothing at all. you live your life in the slow lane, each car passing reminding you of how you're running out of gas and you're ten minutes late for...everything. you tell me you wouldn't mind dying. not living past 30. could it be because you sit around all day and worry about how you look, as opposed to your goals, dreams, and life in general? do you ever think? do you ever feel? you break hearts left and right and never seem to give a damn, but as soon as your heart is mentioned it's a tragic story of love, loss, and "oh nevermind. lets change the subject." but what about every girl that put her heart on the line for you? what about every girl that dealt with your shit just as long as i did? what about every other fool just like me who believed every word you said after you convinced them to, then got heartbroken, bruised, and left in the cold after so long? it's about damn time someone stands up and shows you how wrong you are. i know how you work. i've heard it all. i know just about everything about you and how you play your games. don't play games with someone who can play them better. but i'm not sinking down to your level because your level is hell. i've been there before. i'm staying on my level. and honestly, you dont know how i work. you'll find out.

finished a song i've been working on.
this one's actually gonna get recorded.
myspaced.
and hopefully just out there. at all. anywhere.

PS - it's really cool to get back on this thing to find a comment on my last post. it makes me happy, like someone actually reads this stuff. whoevers been commenting, thank you. =] <3

the end

there's a reason i let go of you. to make me stronger. for now i have to live my life without you. maybe one day i'll be able to let you in again, but pushing you out was hard enough. letting you in right now might be harder. i'm not willing to try yet. you put me through a year and a half of bullshit. lies. cheating. abuse. screaming. bleeding. and overall pain. physically and emotionally. you convinced me i'd be stronger if i held on for just a little bit longer, but when i let go i realized that you were completely wrong. because when i let go i found me, and i didnt know who i was. i knew who you were and who you convinced me i was. but finding the real me has been an adventure i'm never going to forget or regret. in the end i thank you for putting me through so much because it taught me many lessons. please don't mistake that for me forgiving you or forgetting you. i still hate you. but hating you made me love me.

justdontleave.

similar to the feeling of wasting my last breath.
holding on to piercing screams.
symbolizing death in each word I write,
just to kill what happened tonight.
Forget we have the right to say what we feel
and hold ourselves back to avoid losing everything.
maybe losing everything is something we need.
lose a lover. gain another.
this same old game has got me undercover.
hiding behind gallows for you,
waiting for attention.
i dont want a damn thing.
baby i've had bad intentions,
and i've been living for them.
forcing myself to break
until i just start over again...
similar to the feeling of wasting my last breath.

never-was

- Been writing songs like no bitch knows lately. Some of them are good. Some of them are great. Most of them are total bullshit. But I'm hoping that at some point one of my songs will make its way to your headphones.
- I've also been writing a book, as weird as that sounds. I was approached with the idea a while ago, and I've finally started working on it. What's weird is that I was approached with the idea by an actual company, as opposed to one of my random friends saying, "how rad would it be if..." It was a little shocking. Like...I'm actually interesting? Are you serious? This is impossible. It's been pretty cool though to finally be able to say exactly what I've wanted to say for years now.
- Been helping out my brothers shitty band. They auditioned a few singers yesterday. There was this girl who came who totally blew away everyone else. It'll be nice to see them move in a new direction.
- Been editing some videos and whatnot. Putting together a project called, "A Day in The Life of Ami..." It's going to be pretty fantastic. Trey has been following me around with a camera for a few days now. It feels like I'm on some weird reality show. "Like oh my gahhh. she did not!"

Overall things have been alright. When I look past the boy drama, school stress, and total anxiety over life itself, everything's been pretty good. You can do the math. I'm too tired. Goodnight, moon.

take it back.

spent all night writing songs.
they've been coming along like crazy.
my creativity has just shot through the roof.
it's all wentz's fault, i guess.
okay well there are other people inspiring me.
but theyre not being mentioned yet.

wrote a song about kyle.
played it last night.
cried.
whats new?

and again...

you manage to find a way to make me happy.
i dont know how you do it, kid.
but its working.
today i looked in the mirror,
just because you told me to.
and i thought about myself.
then i thought about you.
and i smiled.
and...and...and
i'm actually really happy.

promise...

updating from the corner of existance. still trying to grasp the idea that maybe every wrong progressed from a right. and they ask me what progression means but all i can say is "i have no idea." because these thoughts just make me suffocate. every word you whisper keeps me wishing i could be dead. but i bought a stereo to drown out your submissive replies to all the questions that everyone is still scared to ask. ive spent hours hiding in a reckless yet valiant story of love, loss, and hate. "somehow you still wonder if i've got what it takes." when everyone around me sits and wonders what i'm thinking, it makes me wonder why they'd be so interested in the story of one girl who waited until she was sixteen years old to give herself a shot at living. shes been through hell to get to this point, and yet she still lies awake at night wondering if she'll make it in the world; if she'll ever be successful and important to anyone other than herself. this girl, cold and distant, smiled for the first time today. of course she's smiled before but when was the last time she actually meant it? hiding behind a fake smile for 16 years, she started to see that life itself was never meant to be taken for granted. now that this girl has truely meant to smile, she wonders if he meant anything he said that made her smile.

"Dont make this easy. I want you to mean it."

"one day we'll get nostalgic for disaster..."

I really cant believe it's been one year. I'm trying to find the words to mask the fact that one year ago tomorrow, the only person who defended me when I was younger was killed. They say it's easier to forget, but its taken me a year and I'm still not over it. Somehow, the day he died I lost all my security. I used to never let the world beneath me crumble. I never had to sit at a piano and bleed just to put words on the paper. Lately it seems like so much has changed in the past year, and I want how things used to be back. I want to feel that security again, knowing someone will be there to catch me if I fall. I want to feel like someone cares and someone knows what its like to be the focus of verbal attacks. The light from the moon shines on my pale, cursed walls. Each ray that reflects is reminiscent of the morning he left. The way my floor creaks, the sound that makes my blood boil every morning, reminds me of how at some point I could be gone too. The sunrise reminds me of how in the past 12 months I've become nostalgic for riots and chemicals that could only make the pain worse. I see who I used to be and who I am today and wonder what specific moment in time made me want to be so low. It was the day he died. He gave his life so that others could survive. He ran into a house to save a life, not knowing that that life was just fine. Kyle's the kind of guy who deserves to be considered a hero and deserves to be recognized for what he's done. He's a hero, and not one of those fake ones that Hollywood wanted to create. A real hero. When I sit and think about it, its all changed the way I see things. Now it makes me feel like a total wimp when I'm sitting here crying over some boy, when there are people around the world crying over the fact that they cant do anything to stop their love from dying. It's too late to explain the conspiracy I've been living in, but maybe someday I'll let it all out. As for now, it's been one year and I'm finally learning to live, laugh, love, and breathe knowing that Kyle's okay. This year has taught me to appreciate each breath I take, because any one of them could be my last. I used to dream of monsters and blood-stained walls lining this cold-hearted, three story hell house. Now each sunrise and sunset paints these pictures that haunt me, but not so much haunting as just trying to make this life seem worthwhile. I wake up every morning and breathe in the polluted air that surrounds DC. Though it could suffocate me, it makes me wake up and realize that there are always going to be those days where I just don't want to wake up. I have to wake up. For me. For everyone who couldn't wake up. For the kids who spend countless hours lying in cold rooms wishing they didnt have to wake up; kids who are just like who I used to be. For Kyle. For each day that I've spent this past year wishing I could be dead too. I don't regret the experience, though. It's taught me so many lessons. All I can say from here is that life is finally looking up. Things are going as planned and somehow, someday, this is all going to make sense.


RIP Kyle. <33

its possible that these guys are the shit...

they're pretty much a big deal.
check out my friends band, Divided We Fall.
they just posted a new song.
its pretty amazing.

www.myspace.com/dividedwefallva
www.myspace.com/dividedwefallva
www.myspace.com/dividedwefallva
www.myspace.com/dividedwefallva
www.myspace.com/dividedwefallva

ps - if you want to add me on myspace, i'm on their top friends. hahah.
Ami[smbp][dwf]

vie ghets?

So i think im just gonna start posting webisodes as this little project moves along. it's coming together very nicely. and you still dont know what it is...bahahahah.

=]

here's a hint...
if you can figure it out from this
you're a genius. hahah.

hallelujah...

that word makes me wonder. that song sends chills down my spine for just one reason. if you're smart enough, you can figure it out. if not...here's a hint...



written november 10th, 2007:
drop the keys. hold yourself up.
you've got too much to live for.
and i swear when the first pill went down,
i cried "no" without knowing why.
it just came out.
then i heard the news...
and tried to remember every word you said.
but i couldnt...and i still cant.
i have no way of proving my existance.
but you need to know one thing...
"maybe yr just like me. maybe no one is."
i swear i am.
hallelujah.
you're not the only one
who swallowed the blues.

catching on...

every day gets harder.
every night gets colder.
each prayer is wasted on one boy.
all my dreams are becoming distant.
the light is fading.
the colors bleeding.
everyone around me says i've lost it.
i'm losing my touch.
that smooth, deep poetic attitude
towards life and whats around me.
and they may be right,
but i never wanted to be this way.
i wanted to be me, and i was.
but the sunrise now keeps me away
from feeling empty.
the sky burns beautiful colors
and each one is reminiscent
of the night you said you'd stay another day.

dont worry, i'm not losing myself.
this is just the beginning.
you have no idea what i'm cooking up this time.

ignorance.

you've got my life in your hands.
take it. break it. whatever.
i've been looking for a reason to trust you
but every path leads to failure.
i've given you my heart on a string.
i've let myself go just for you.
and you throw it away.
i could call you threatening my own life
and you'd laugh, proclaiming victory.
because i wasnt worth it and i'm sure of that.
don't pretend you never thought about
just completely ignoring me.
my attempts at trying to trust someone
who never cared in the first place.
and once or twice you cared.
you saved me from the end.
but whats it worth now
if you cant say you're sorry?
if you cant be here one more time?
if i've poured my heart into silly words
that youll probably never read or care about?
i'm done trying.
if you're here...if you're reading this...
i miss you.

and still...

no but see you've got me all wrong.
i'm not amazing.
never was. never will be.
i'm just one girl
trying to find herself.
trying to find whats right and whats wrong.
trying to make the most of the life i've been given.
but along the way, shit happens.
call it tough. call it writing material.
but this life has been worth living.
every second of it.
i'm not going anywhere,
as long as you'll stay around.
because when you're not here, i'm different.
i can't stop myself
from doing the things i hate.
from being the person i hate.
and when you're here,
i smile more.
i breathe deeper.
i sleep better.
i dream of things other than monsters.
when you're here,
i'm me.

i cant believe you...

on april 16th it will be one year since kyle died. i have no idea how i'm going to handle it. i'm crying right now just thinking about it.

what pisses me off is that this guy i know had the nerve to sit there and say he didnt get why i was crying over it. basically implying that kyle wasnt worth the tears. and he has no fucking idea. he never knew him. if he wanted to make me cry, he couldve said something else. he didnt have to go that far...

oh, you have no idea...

i've been working on something pretty crazy. and luckily it's all starting to come together. less stress. less drama. more "omg this shit is gonna be insane". more sleepless nights, but totally worth it in the end.

going back up to wilmette at the end of july.
more than excited.
i miss illinois so much.

about my last post...there are a lot of people around me that continually doubt any efforts that i make as far as making myself better. they tell me i'm never going to be worth anything. they dont believe in me. and honestly, i cant thank them enough. because it pushes me to do more than i've expected. their harsh words have pushed me to try to be the absolute best and now that its finally starting to come together, i'm really happy. a lot happier than i have been. and there are people around me that try to stop me from becoming anything more than what i am right now, and they dont see that everytime they say I can't do it, I'm sitting alone in my own world thinking about what my next move will be. people push me down, kick me, and scream in my face that i'm nothing more than a 16 year old depressed screw-up. but watch how quickly i stand back up and prove them wrong.

make it bleed.

I sit alone in my room, everyone asking what the hell my problem is. My music as loud as it can possibly be, I sing along and hear it come until my ears bleed. I've been touched where no 16 year old girl should be touched. I've screamed the words that no girl should have to think of; "I want to die". I've been through hell trying to get to one point and now that the light is finally shining just a little bit, I'm wondering if it's what I ever really wanted. And it is. So I'll fight for it. I'm willing to stand up against the entire world if I have to, but at some point I'm going to be worth something. And if you try to stop me, you're fucking stupid.

"Fully alive, more than most.
Ready to smile and love life."

...and breathe

went to a friends birthday party tonight. i'm sorry but I left early. i was way too sober to deal with some of those people.
what really made me go "whaaaaat" was when i walked in and EVERYONE yelled "omg ami!!!!!!" and ran over to me. i didnt know most of those people. then this girl asked for a picture with me. i'm really scared to find out why all of that happened...hayley's supposed to tell me tomorrow morning. oh god. last time something like this happened, it was because someone had started a really interesting rumor about me. which fortunately was pulled back and stopped spreading. it was bad. people in the mall would stop me and ask me questions and at one point i had to have mall security and a few cops walk me out of the mall just so i could get away from people. people would come up to me and ask for pictures with me and i had no idea what was going on until i walked into hot topic and the girl working the register was like "ohh. you're that fall out boy girl right?"

needless to say, i had to try my hardest to stop that rumor before it spread out of northern virginia/maryland/DC.

about to explode.

this week has been the week from hell. there's been all this drama between this guyyy and my friend. it's been stressing me out so bad and i really wish i could talk to him about it. blahhh. then my friend jeremy left his band, which is absolutely depressing. those guys were absolutely amazing and without jeremy it's just gonna be so different. then two of my good friends who were dating broke up and i was stuck in the middle of it. now literally everyone is annoying me. like i just want to crawl in a hole and never come out. this is all bullshit.
it's like...i've got to deal with school, dance, and work. now i've got to deal with drama, break-ups, and stress on top of that. this is seriously the worst it's ever gotten too. i really just feel like locking myself in my room and never coming out because it seems like nothing would go wrong and if it did then i wouldnt have to hear about it.

and to top it off, this insane plan that me and steph have been working on is becoming more impossible by the minute. in order to get permits and contracts with i dont even know how many different companies and shit, we have to spend almost every waking second concentrated on this and i dont have the time or patience for that. but luckily we've got a meeting with a guy who's gonna help us sort everything out tomorrow. so it should get easier. hopefully.

it's cold and rainy outside. my brother just called to brag about how he's at Chipotle. My best friend keeps talking about all her drama. And its like...I've had the week from hell. Can we just talk about something happy for once? Something that wont make me want to scream "fuck everyone"?

ay bay bay...

So I don't know if you're aware of this or not, but I'm kind of a big deal. Just kiddinggg. My brother said that to me earlier. Thought it was pretty funny. But on another note...This absolutely insane idea i've been working on is coming along nicely. Steph and I are teaming up to rock this town so hard it will NEVER be the same. But that's all I'm going to say.

Possibly getting a new blog/site soon.
More details later.

Goodnight.

There is...

Go listen to "There Is" by Boxcar Racer.
It's pretty much the soundtrack to my life right now.
No joke, this song is amazing.

Dislocated something in my back.
It hurts like a bitch.
But doctors scare me.

I'm working on something that I believe is going to be absolutely insane. I'm not going to say what it is yet. Just know that you're either going to love it or hate it. There is no "in-between". This is gonna be the craziest shit that northern virginia has seen in a long time.

By the way, check out my friend Ryan's blog.
He's the most amazing kid I've ever met.
He basically saved my life once or twice.
While dealing with his own shit.
He's been through a lot in a short time.
It only took him two weeks to learn piano
and release a CD world-wide.
So check it out. This kids crazy.
www.ryanbeatty.com

obama, ftw.

i want one of those shirts.
no joke.

lacking creativity.
filling pages of paper with recycled thoughts.
things i've said over and over and over again
to the point where they just get old and die out.
cliche lines written from my point of view;
16 going on 30, hating pretty much everything.
spending every second with boys in bands.
waiting for someone to go on tour.
take me with you. i hate it here.
every sound that fills a speaker,
fills the void that's left in me.
you still wonder if i've got what it takes
to be a good friend and catch you when you fall.
youve caught me so many times.
you let me breathe when no one else would.
you made me smile when i wanted to die.
and somehow you're still a stranger.

midnight vodka breakdown...

note: dont drink vodka when you're depressed.

spent most of last night trying to figure out who i am. i just need a major change. i'm tired of being stuck in northern virginia. i want to break out and never look back because every inch of this town makes me sick.
spent a lot of last night crying and trying to figure out why no one will see me the way i want them to see me. like there's this guy that i kinda like but i know that he doesnt like me in the same way. he wants to be friends. and i'd be fine with that, except he's fucking perfect. i can't be down when he's around because he makes me smile way too much. he's one of three people in the world that has truely made me feel good enough and worth something. and it kinda hurts that he doesnt know that...
My best friend Steph knows me better than I know myself. She's been here for me since first grade when we couldn't figure out how to spell "Devil" on the bus home from school. She gives the best advice and I'm so glad that I have a friend like her. Last night I sent her a really long message about how I was feeling and she sent me one of the best responses I've ever gotten. I told her I don't feel like I fit in and she said, "I felt the same way. And it goes along with that whole wanting a good boyfriend thing. Because if you cant love yourself, no one else will." And she's totally right.

I think I'm gonna start over.

i still think about you...

These three people mean so fucking much to me. And there are times when I can't stop thinking about them. There are nights that I lie awake for hours crying, trying to find reasons why it all had to happen. For almost a year it's just felt like everyone around me is dying. Now things are starting to look up for me. And I'm happier. And I'm finding it easier to let it all go, to know that they're okay and everythings going to be fine. I'm going to be fine. I just need to get this all out and vent a little. I wish I could say more but I dont want to post some 8 page long entry.

Kyle - Kyle was killed fighting a fire on April 16th, 2007. He was my hero and still is. When the neighborhood kids would pick on me and call me names, he was always the first one to stand up for me. He had no idea how much that meant to me and each day gets harder knowing that he never heard it straight from me. But he's safe now and he's made it clear that everything's okay. <3

Molly - On February 5th, 2008 Molly commited suicide. She was the bright side of every Thursday night for me. I would walk into dance and hear her say, "Hey Fall Out Boy Girl..." and that nickname is staying with me. I still dont understand why she did it, but I do know that depression is a hard thing to battle and sometimes it just gets the best of people. She's happy and doesn't have to feel pain anymore. <3

Grandpa - My grandpa died December 5th, 2007. His heart just stopped beating as he and my grandmother were driving on the beltway to go to his doctors appointment. He was my hero. He was so proud of everything I did and that meant so much to me. No one else ever showed that much appreciation for my dance competitions and performances. He was proud of who I've become and I'm going to make sure it stays that way. Each holiday is getting harder, knowing that he wont be sitting at the dinner table to keep us all in line. But he didnt have to feel pain, and I'm thankful for that. And each day I thank God that he didn't have to go in a horrible way. <3

*sigh*

there's so much i wish i could say to him.
he's absolutely amazing.
i can't be down when he's around.
cause everything he says
is another reason to smile.
he may never know.
and i'm not okay with that.
it hurts...a lot.
but i can't tell him.
i'm scared. cause he'll just leave.
and again i'll be all alone.
[this has nothing to do with what you think.]
"Here I am with my heart in my hands,
praying you'll take what's left of me,
and make me feel alive again.
Here you are with your head in the clouds,
missing my signals as I scream them out.
Could you take the pain away?
Each day, just another headache.
Another match begging to be lit.
Telling me to run away.

But you could take it all away.
The headaches and this pain.
And you could take it all away.
Please stay just one more day."

missing you?

no. i dont miss who you used to be. you have no idea how happy i am for you right now. ive waited a while to be able to look at you and think something other than, "it wouldn't kill him to smile once in a while..." and you have the nerve to fucking say that it never mattered. and don't even try to back it up this time. because dammit i've waited a long time to be able to say this...i fucking idolize you. for everything you really are. for everything you are now that you weren't before. you think we all just want you in a ditch, don't you? we want you to talk about how much you hate yourself? right. totally. because no one actually sees the emotion behind that, "i'm an asshole" front. i cant believe you this time. I really cant.

and we've got everybody singin...

stuck in a spring shower daze.
writing lyrics that no one will understand.
left out in the cold,
fighting every word you've said to me.
call me out, make it count.
cause every word you say
makes me try so much harder.
trying to make myself worth something.
trying to get someone interested in what i have to say.
waiting for someone to waste 5 minutes
reading sick, sad poetry
from a girl who never mattered to anyone but herself.
my creative writing director says i've got potential.
he says i've got a way with words,
a talent for conveying strong emotions.
he doesnt know that none of this is fiction.
my friends will never know who i really am.
and maybe i'm better off that way.
because my pen hides so many secrets
and no one needs to know what they are.
there's only a few people in this world
that can feel the magic in the ink
as it hits the page and spills stupid stories;
stories we didn't think we had in us.
but to get someone reading it.
to get someones attention; interested,
is a feeling no one can explain.
no one can describe it.
and if you've been here before,
i'm standing in your shadow
waiting for you to turn around
so i can finally say thank you
and make my peace
and leave.

break out, break out.

working for warped tour again this summer.
i'm pretty much beyond excited.
trying to get sara to come with me
to the VA Beach and DC shows.

going back to Wilmette for a week in July.
gonna visit Tante Edith.
(aunt edith...sorry. german.)
i'm pretty excited.
possibly working at the diner.
Mrs.D's Wilmette Diner, ftw.

Going to Philadelphia to promote
at the PA honda civic tour show.
phantom planet...they rawk.

in DC on april 26th.
promoting for FBR.
at the paramore/jimmy eat world tour.

i'm beginning to really like this.
the whole promoting thing.
doing stuff for fueled by ramen.
i think i like the idea of learning about it all.
being a part of something i really love.
seeing what its like behind the scenes.
i wonder what i'd have to do
to be an intern or something...
"you'll be doing the bitch work."
well...maybe i want to.
"you'll be the kid they send to bands
when they just need someone to bitch at. haha."
awesome. you said you didnt think i could handle it.
please doubt me. because last time you doubted me
it made me try even harder.
and i ended up better than you did.

Ich weiss nicht beenden.
Sie brauchen nicht erschrecken mich.
(I don't quit. You don't scare me.)

it feels like...

everything around me is just slowly dissolving. i'm walking around with no direction, just on autopilot. it's like i'm not even me anymore. i cry every night and have no reason to look up and ask why. gone almost a week without sleep, waiting for the sun to set on everything i've ever believed in. i'm just having a hard time believing that you were never here...

you've got more than love. remember that.
never forget it. because you forgot everything else
and it just seems like forgetting this would take you out.
i dont want to see you fall as hard as I did.

dyed my hair brown, with blonde highlights.
let the sun shine in my bedroom.
let the world listen to every word i have to sing.
starting over. getting over it.
you were 40 minutes away.
and it killed me every second
knowing i could be standing right next to you.
staring at the capital talking about the weather.
how shitty it is in DC.
how the traffic here never stops for anything.
how i hate it...a lot.
and here i am again.
sitting in the same room i've been in for ten years.
wondering why my prayers never get answered.
blaming it all on god
because no one else is here.
i miss it more than you know.
i'm praying that one day we'll run into each other
and without the questions, just remember everything.
that would be a big deal to me.
next time you're here, stop by and say hello.
because it just might save me again...

5 guys. 1 girl...

5 hour drive to New Jersey.
In a civic.
Oh god...I'm scared.

ive lost my power...

words turn into fists. fists turn into shaking hands held in handcuffs. he yells and throws a punch over nothing. kicking and screaming and still trying to figure out what could've gone wrong. anger in his eyes, hes taking the walk of shame. the path that no one has seen quite like he has. and still i wonder what hes thinking. why he did it. if that much anger has been locked inside of him for all this time. what made him let it out? who told him to let it out on me?

so i sit and pray that one day this life will get easier. one day this life will be everything i wanted it to be and i wont have to regret anything. i dream of feeling happy because i cant do it in reality. i smile often but it hides 16 years of insomnia and bullshit. you still wonder what makes me stay alive. it's the words and music pulsing through my headphones. it's the way the floor feels when its vibrating because of the sound coming from the giant speakers that line a stage every night. it's the way the lights from stages shine in my eyes, blinding all uncertainty. it's the way i can pour everything i have into a few words and no one needs to know what they mean as long as they communicate clearly. you wonder why i've been dancing since i was 2 and a half, but still i want to be around music for the rest of my life. you wonder why i spend so much money and time going to shows. because its so clear. it's so real. it validates my existance. if you can't believe the words you've been given, how can you scream them? how can you sing them? how can you understand them? if you cant hear whats happening behind the man singing, "this aint a scene its a god damn arms race", how can you say you're hearing everything he's feeling?
he strikes a chord and i get chills.
they run straight through me.
and he keeps me singing along.
so that i never have to feel alone again.
he keeps me translating thoughts.
so i dont have to keep them locked inside.
words should only build up through ink.
he keeps me thinking.
he keeps me dreaming.
he keeps me wishing.
he keeps me...
alive.

dear ashlee simpson...

i fucking love her for the song "Rule Breaker".
its amazing. no joke.
i listened to it tonight.
and no one understood why i was like
"OMG! hahahahaha"
=|
bitches.
some chick was like, "she's rubbing it in our faces! i hate her!" and i was like "...who else would write something like this? hell yeah shes rubbing it in our faces. if i were her i'd be tired of the bullshit too." seriously. you kids need to give up as soon as possible. oh! i've decided it's my official goal this year to get a picture with pete and ashlee. just to see how many people comment it like "zomg wtfffffff." hahahaha.
if anyone's coming to LBW's recital this year [either 1pm or 6pm show] you HAVE to watch 5th Position's dance. We're supposed to be acting like people around new york city. So me and Jaime are going to be Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson. Bahaha. Katie's gonna be paparazzi. Who wants to see how many people we piss off? Me.
[5th position is my studios performing company. chill.]

last night was fun.
70 people in my basement.
i'm finally 16.
3 months until i get my drivers license.
i'm watching Across The Universe.
fucking amazing.
someone should try this with a ton of PATD songs.
no joke. it would totally work.

february 15th is the best day ever.

except not rly.
its just my birthday.
nothing special.

jaime had a dream that pete wentz called me and was like "happy birthday! you win!" and i was like "win what?" and he was like "nothing!" then hung up. total WTF moment. that would be the best sweet sixteen present ever though. just a random call from fall out boy. wishful thinking. i'm done now.

everyone around here asks for a car for a sweet sixteen present. i asked for a macbook so that i could use garageband and have better shit to record my music on. apparently i'm a total lameass. i hope your BMW breaks down.

goodnight...morning...whatever.

NIU <3

"On Thursday, February 14, 5 students were shot and killed at North Illinois University, before the gunman turned the gun on himself. 15 others were shot and wounded during the shooting."
well...happy fucking valentines day.
today was shit. seriously.
i'm SO done with it.

RIP

A Hero From A Thousand Paces.

I really dont understand why this is happening. Anyone who knows me knows that my life practically revolves around Fall Out Boy and A Hero From A Thousand Paces. But tonight I found out that HERO broke up. My first reaction was to go talk to Ryan about it but he deleted his myspace which gave me a clue that somethings wrong. I've spent all night crying hysterically, trying to find any way to reach him. I finally got his e-mail and I'm hoping to God that he reads what I sent him. I just dont understand it. It's not fair. I'm losing everything that means the most to me. This sucks. I cant stand to see those boys just let it go. It hurts. I cant even really breathe right now.

I hate this.

Don't tase me, bro!

Having a party for my sixteenth birthday on Friday. That almost became impossible a few days go until someone* changed my mind. Long story. Don't ask questions. They wont get you anywhere. I'm pretty excited about this though. The first thing thats gotten me in a good mood in a while. I really hope it turns out to be amazing. I mean nothing in the world could top HCT or YWT. Unless Fall Out Boy just randomly showed up at my house on Friday to say happy birthday. But we all know that that's never going to happen. So for now I'm just content with having the best party DC's seen in a while. Apparently I'm an attention whore so this should be good. Except Bryan's planning on kicking Rusty's ass and I'm not about to deal with that on my birthday. Soo I've got security. Hahaha. Bitches wanna fight? Fight my body guard. If you win you can stay. My money's on my dad, Don, Gus, Dan, Mike, and Anthony though. Try it, seriously.

=|

is it even worth it?

you even said that living's just a waste of breath. dont do anything i'd do. it's not worth it. i tried to get out and couldnt. then i saw your comment and wondered if you even care at all or if it's just another typical reaction. what's the point in waiting for an answer if i'm not going to get one? when you find one real reason to care about anything, let me know. that'll be the day that i see the stars align and drop one by one just to shine the brightest light across faces that dont give a shit about anything other than you.

i wont do it.
as long as you dont.

"Dont cry. This is a fucking Fall Out Boy show..."


Peter...Dont tell me not to cry.
ps - i love how lizzi keeps holding up that bear. hahahah.
"Ami! He's talking to you! Throw the bear!"
"What the fuck!?"

That video just made my day.
Been sick all day.
Havent been in the best mood all week.
But that made me smile.
I hope something like that happens again.
Or something like YWT.
"Ami? Whats up? Tell me whats wrong."
"Nothing!"
"Come to meet and greet and talk to me..."
"uhm...are you sure you wana do that pete?"

Anyways.
Enough remembering.
Lets get back to right now...

these scars, they will not fade away.

tonight was a rollercoaster. a lot of tears. a lot of questions and confusion about everything that's happened this week. there's so much to talk and think about but no one wants to say it. tonight in tap class we didnt even dance. we just sat there talking and crying, still trying to take it all in. and no one understands it but maybe we need to try to. there are different sides of people that we dont always see because we dont see them 24/7. one woman suffered and is now finding peace. all we can do is try to accept that, as hard as it is. she's happy. she's safe.

"you shine brighter than anyone does."

i need you now more than ever.

i'm writing this in a state of shock, confusion, and panic. every thursday at the studio there's a woman who came in to talk to me and my friends. every thursday. she gave me the nickname Fall Out Boy Girl and that nickname's going to stick for quite some time. i found out today that she commited suicide yesterday morning. i dont understand why anyone could do that. i really dont.

so i sit on the edge of my bed
with my head in my hands
just asking God why
he could take such a person.
My chest and fists tighting
as I remember everything.
As I try to forget that this is happening.
But I cant. It's pounding at my head.
It's screaming as loud as it can.
It's real.
xo

Please tell me you're okay.
I need you now more than ever.
One of the thoughts running through my head
is what you said the other day.
About if you made it through.
Please promise me you're not going anywhere.

oh yeah!

erase it because forgetting is the best answer, right?
maybe you've known that all along.
maybe i've been leading myself on.
starting to scare myself with the words i write.
twisted poetry that makes my doctors wonder
if i'll ever get used to the medication.
but they dont understand
that every word i write
is for you.
even if i have to beg.
even if i have to scream it in your face.
one day you have to know the truth.
because living knowing that i never told you
may just be the death of me.
but i dont worry about death.
because it's avoided me for a long time.
lately it's been laughing in my face.
but it's still a long way away.
so i've still got time
to write one more rhyme
and pray to god you hear it.
i've never been so sure of anything.
i'm so sure that you're listening.
you never said you were.
but a part of me knew...wished.
so dont let me down.
cause i wont let you down.

the morning that pete wentz made me cry...

I dont think you know how much I appreciate you.
How much I look up to you.
How much I care about you.
How much I believe in you.
And dont say 'if' because its the only word
that kept me in a ditch for two years.
I'm falling apart too.
Lets fall apart together.
That's the only thing that may save me.
But I could never matter.
My story never mattered.
And you think I still dont care.
Sure you completely ignored the only
piece of my history thats real anymore.
The only thing thats kept me breathing, dreaming.
But I'm never letting go.
Because you mean that much to me.
And if you're going to give up,
this easily, this quickly,
then you're not who I thought you were.
Not at all.

alright so...

last night i went to a party.
and me and mike ended up playing two songs.
GINASFS - Fall Out Boy
Pieces Of Me - Ashlee Simpson
and surprisingly, we didnt screw it up.
so if anyone has a video of it
please send it to me. thanks.

because i finally have time...

short update from my phone. ive spent all week fighting myself to stay awake. been working on schoolwork. been writing new music. been recording. been promoting for fbr. been fighting with kinkos about fbr flyers. sleep? nahhh.

dead impulse
930 club in dc
february 17th
you better be there

deleted the last post because i had a sudden change of heart.

and thanks carli for making it happen.
"i looked up to you. you had the most determination out of anyone i know. and i dont know what fucking happened to you but i hate it. you're talking about how everyones given up on you but i havent. and if you keep going on this way i will."

yeah, i'm ugly.
yeah, i'm stupid.
yeah, i may never be worth anything.

but if you've got the nerve to sit there and give up on me, and judge me, and rub all of this in my face then you're not worth my time. i've got too much to live for to let people who will never matter get the best of me. i may run out of time and patience sometimes but give me a day to get myself together and i promise you wont regret it. i'm not perfect and no one is. it's okay to break down sometimes. believe me, it doesnt happen often and when it does it's small and almost unknown. i dont need to break down and cry every night. i dont need to waste my time wishing. i dont have to live this way. and thanks to you i have. but i'm not giving up on you because i never did and i never will. i only hope you'll never give up on me.

my schedule's getting busier by the minute.
panic at the disco - april 30th? i hope sooo.
i've got like a billion shows.
plus school and dance.
so i dont know when i'm gonna post here again.
talk to me!
AIM - J17J4N11
email - livinrightnow215@hotmail.com
myspace - www.myspace.com/suchaluzer

i'm sorry.

is that what you want to hear?
cause i just cant do this anymore.
i can't waste time crying.
thinking.
wishing.
i need something real.
and if this is what it takes...
i'll let go of everything ive ever believed in.
just to tell you that i'm sorry.

no matter how hard you try...

you're incapable of being perfect.
and i love it.
if you wanted it so bad you couldve said something.
last night i had a dream and you were in it.
you said, "and i think you'd be perfect"
but you never said for what.
i want to know.
tell me?
dancing in the parking lot of a new jersey jailhouse.
i found something very calming about the jersey turnpike.
i poured my hart and sole into every move.
the lights from passing cars set my mood perfectly.
the sound of sirens coming into the station.
drunks filing out of the cars.
people worrying as our bus sat there, missing a tire.
"alright, everyone back on board."
excuse me sir, but are you fucking insane?
policemen offered me coffee and gave me a place to sleep.
they saw me dancing, coming off a tour bus.
my head high but my hopes low.
they thought i was someone special.
and for a second, i felt special.
i wanted to be special.
but i wasnt. and i'm still not.
not to you. not to me.
you'll never understand why i wrote that story.
and you'll never understand why it hurt so bad
to have you blow it off that quickly.
when you acknowledged it i felt important for once in my life.
but you've already forgotten about it.
and my smile went along with it.
i'll keep you in my dreams
if you'll keep me locked inside your heart shaped box.

Fact: My psychiatrist is a G.

just got home from what was the longest 40 minutes of my life.
"so how has it been since we put you on the new medication? any side effects? still having trouble sleeping? well you could try this. oh by the way, how's your brother doing?" i dont know. i guess he's doing fine. maybe you should stop talking so i can go home and find out. whatever. i guess all he's trying to do is help. but don't say, "how do you feel deep down inside?" what? do you want me to get all deep and poetic on you? the only real emotion you're going to see from me is what's written in this journal. unless you come and find me at a fall out boy show. apparently those things are real tear-jerkers. i know this from experience(s).

if its not obvious yet, i'm having a pretty bad day.
i've had a horrible headache all day.
i feel like i'm going to die.
i got two hours of sleep last night.
-smacks insomnia in the face-
"fuck you, too."
people in school are being bitches.
obviously i'm not worth anyones time.
havent i said that before?
probably. i tend to repeat myself often.
i vary, very often.
"who are your heroes?"
"who rows?"
you never stopped to care.
until the sun set on your front door
and told you stories you'd probably heard before.
but you couldn't remember them.
because they never mattered.
they didnt make themselves known.
so those stories go unheard and die young.
was it worth the effort and five minutes of your night?
did i waste your time?
because if i did...
i'm not sorry.

pleasedontgonow,pleasedontfadeaway

so i fell asleep a while ago but just woke up. which kinda sucks cause i have insomnia so it's going to take me forever to get back to sleep and i have to be at school at 730 to take my biology and AP human geography exams. fun? NO...

well the reason i woke up...
i just had one of the scariest dreams i've had in a while. anyone who knows me knows that i've had bad dreams since the age of 8. i dont know why. they're just all really scary, when i remember them. some of them are alright. but most of the time theres some part of it that scares me and wakes me up. tonight was bad. i had a dream that i was sitting in an office about 20 stories up in some building in new york city. i got a phone call and dont remember what the person on the other line said. but it was enough to get me up and out of the office, running down the hallway. suddenly everything flashed and i was in front of a house. i ran up the stairs and found the first door to the right on the second level. i began to bang on the door and scream, trying anything to get it open but it was locked. i heard someone on the other side say, "i'm so sorry." and i heard what sounded like a body falling. i opened the door using a credit card [where i got one of those, i'm not sure]. the first thing i saw was a body laying on the floor with pills surrounding it. black hoodie. skinny jeans. black hair. then i looked around. it was pete's old room. i screamed and fell to my knees, finding any excuse. he's only sleeping, right? i was screaming "wake up" and nothing happened. so i layed there. confused and hurt. crying and angry. i felt a hand behind me grab my hair, pull me up, then stick a needle in my back. then i woke up.

i'm honestly really freaked out right now.
please tell me you're okay.

the story. [deleted]

"Wanna be there for you...cause no one was there for me."

about the header...

i went to north carolina last summer with some of my friends. we ended up running into a friend of mine who's a photographer. so we decided to have a giant photoshoot in the middle of the beach. i've been dancing since i was 3 so i was voted as model of the day. and thats only part of what we came up with. yes, that's me. yes, i'm ugly. no, i'm not a whore. i just happened to be wearing barely anything. deal.
now go read the other posts...this one isnt nearly as interesting as the rest of them.

Spring Break - Illinois...

So I'll be in Wilmette during March 17th-22nd [i think. i'm not sure of the exact dates but it's around there]. Except for two of the days where I'll be in Grayslake and Downtown Chicago. Havent been home to Wilmette in what feels like forever. Hayley said shes gonna take me back to Forest Avenue so i can see my old house. I have a feeling i'm gonna cry. Then turn around and look at Pete's old house and cry even more. Haha. I really miss Forest Ave. Good times there. Not really but I just miss it because of the history I have with it. haha. Downtown Chicago should be interesting. I havent seen it in a while. Has it changed at all? I heard Wilmette has changed. At least that's what Kellie told me. Stop by the diner and talk to me and Hayley. haha.

On a side note...Hayley's parents said she couldn't take me up to Wilmette anymore. But then they asked her what she wanted for her birthday and she said she wanted to take me to Wilmette. So I'm still going. Honestly, Hayley is probably the best friend I've had in a long time. She's done so much for me. She's the reason I'm even trying to get back in touch with Pete. Because she knows that if I dont i'll explode. And she knows why. If you'd like to know then e-mail me. But please don't criticize me and my story. I've been through too much shit to deal with that. Thanks. She's putting away her birthday wish to take me home. Northern Virginia has never been home to me and she knows that. And I can't thank her enough for everything shes done. Sometimes I think I dont give her the credit she deserves. She used all of her strength to get me to second row at YWT because she knew something would happen between me and pete. and something did happen. and its all because of her. She's the reason I even had the guts to go to the meet and greet November 11th in Fairfax and try to talk to pete, even though all I said was "thank you". If she wasnt there encouraging me and keeping me from crying and spilling everything i dont think I would've gone. I thank god every day that I have such good friends. Steph, Sara, Hayley - You mean the world to me whether you know it or not.

The one thing I really want for Hayley is for her to meet FOB. She loves them almost as much as I do. And shes never met them. And she really deserves to.
Dear Pete Wentz,
Come to Mrs. D's Diner in March...
Love,
Me

livinrightnow215@hotmail.com

haha. i'm lame.

"Hey, Wentz!!" "...I'm a Moore..."

People are ridiculous.
There's a girl in my school who's having a baby next month.
She's 15.

but on to another subject...the only one that truely interests me anymore. el fall out boy-o. last night my dad got really pissed off and walked out of my room, forcefully slamming the door so that the entire house shook. i was scared and pissed off. i locked my door and just sat there crying. two of my walls are almost completely covered in stuff i've gotten at fall out boy shows or really just anything relating to fall out boy. i turned up EOWYG as loud as i possibly could and just sat there staring at the pictures. those boys, no-fuck that, those four amazing people have come so far in what seems like such a short amount of time. and i'm so damn proud of them.

yeah i spend a lot of nights up in my room crying because i miss when all i had to do to see pete was walk outside of my front door, stare across forest avenue, and think "that kid is going places". but in the end all i really want is for him to be happy. no one, except for hayley, really knows that i've looked up to him since even before FOB was in the old crappy van. haha. and maybe its better that no one knows. but sometimes it kinda hurts that he doesnt know. i tried to tell him november 11th but my emotions got the best of me and i just couldnt.

in first period i was told to write a letter to the person who made me who i am today...here is what i wrote...i actually wrote two of them.

Dear Peter Wentz,
Days, hours, and minutes go by and most of them are spent thinking about how I never got the chance to say "hello, my name is Amelia". So here it is. Hello, my name is Amelia and all I've ever really wanted to do was get to know you for who you are. I never got that chance. I lived by you [Forest Avenue, FTW!] and I could've taken that chance but I didnt, and I regret that. Because over the years I've seen you get more and more popular and I've seen any chance I had of getting to know you go to waste. You'll never read this, and I'm almost okay with that. You'll never remember me, and I'm not okay with that. But maybe I have to be...You're the only person I have ever truely looked up to. As awkward and unrealistic as it sounds, you're the reason I am who I am today. And I'm pretty happy with who I am today. So i can't thank you enough for everything you've done and haven't done for me. It's all made me...me. Thank you.
Love,
Amelia

Dear Fall Out Boy,
Lately your music is the only thing that keeps me breathing and smiling. Through all the shit that has been going on in the past two months, you've been there. Not physically, but through the speakers. Every beat that forces itself out of my speakers has made this life worthwhile. I've finally got something to really believe in, and it's you. Do me a favor and have the time of your lives being super-amazing rockstars. That's almost all that I want. Patrick, you're the reason I sing and the reason I try so hard. You're such a cool guy. I dont even know how to explain how much I look up to you. By the way, you give the best hugs EVER so dont change that anytime soon. Andy, you absolutely amaze me. Your solo at HCT blew me away. I wanted to cry. [Technically, I already was. But you get the point, right? Haha.] Joe, I don't know how you do it. I could be having the worst day of my life and somehow you'd still find a way to make me smile. Pete, I already wrote you a letter. What more do you want? Haha. Kidding! But seriously. You guys are the reason I'm still living, and I know you probably hear that a lot but in my case it's really deep. Nothing makes me special but when you got me on stage at HCT, then when Pete got me into meet and greet at YWT, i felt special for the first time in my life. I really want to thank you. For everything.
Love,
Amelia

It may never mean anything to them but it means something to me.
Goodnight.

ifuckinghateyou.

pounding at the keys again, because that's all i can do on a friday night. it seems that no matter how hard i try, i'll never be good enough for anyone other than myself. maybe i should just give up on being social. i have one true friend and her name is stephanie. i have another friend named hayley but we dont get to see each other often. then there's sara. sara tends to ditch me. and i'm sick of it. i had a life for a long time, but maybe it wasnt the life for me. now i'm stuck at home alone on a friday night, pounding at the keys, breaking pens as i try to write what i feel, and crying because there's really nothing else to do. whats your definition of fun?

for everytime i've cried. for everytime i've been shot down. for every asshole that left me standing on the curb. for every teenage bitch that left me alone on a friday night. for every "best friend" that told me i'd never make it. for every person that told me i'd never reach my goals because only i believed in them. this is for you.

"Please...Don't worry about it now. Say sorry to me in a few years when I've got everything you want. Say sorry when the only words I have left to say back are I'm Not."

crank that fall out boy.

there's a rapper in my first period class every morning who likes to make remixes to songs. some of them are absolutely amazing. he did a remix of "Crank Dat Soulja Boy". It's now "Crank Dat Fall Out Boy". Hahaha. Amazing.
"Fall Out Boy up in this OHHH.
Watch 'em rock, and watch 'em roll.
Watch 'em crank dat Eff Oh Bee
and dance, dance that hoeee."
LMAO. i love it. seriously.

i'm still limping around school and the house, because i still have yet to see a doctor about my foot injury. all i did was land on it wrong. could it really be that bad? at this point my mom doesnt even know if i'll be able to dance on saturday. that would absolutely suck. we've already blocked formations and parts. to throw that on the entire company at short notice would be...bad.

i've pretty much given up on trying. you'll never notice me. and i may cry some nights, but eventually i'll get over it. my wish is that someday you'll look at me and say, "Ami! Havent seen you in a while...What's going on?" but that'll never happen. i miss when all i had to do to see you was step outside of my house and look to the left, across forest avenue. i miss when my only dream was to be able to actually carry on a conversation with you, because somehow you were everything i wanted to be. and still that's my dream. but now i've got a few more. and those new ones are realistic. i want to pass my sophomore year. i want to be worth something to somebody. for a while i thought i was worth something to you. but i guess not.
i'm sorry for calling.
i'm sorry for texting.
i'm sorry for trying.
goodnight.

you make me sick.

there's really not much to say. other than i'm really cold because out of nowhere it started snowing today. hopefully we'll get more snow tonight so that i dont have to walk around school tomorrow with an injured foot. my mom talked to a nurse and she said something about it being the tendons in my foot and how they're pulled or something. i have no idea. all i know is that i really want to get better by saturday. i have a performance and i'm not about to drop out of this one. i'm pretty excited about it.

I need to rant...You dont have to read this.

there are certain people in this world that make me want to scream. all they care about is what they see in TV and magazines. What if you've got it all wrong? You start bashing someone because they change a little, but what's that going to do for you? Absolutely nothing. And it was never relevant in the first place...or maybe it was.
Someone came into school with a binder that had stuff all over it about hating Ashlee and how she and pete shouldnt be together. Stuff like that ticks me off. I completely support their relationship. I look up to both of them for various reasons. Who are you to judge their relationship based on stuff youve seen in the media? And honestly, you're never going to marry Pete so give up. Kthx. And stuff about Pete changing so much and ignoring the fans. I've never seen him ignore a fan. He took time out of his schedule to get me into meet and greet because a lot of stuff was on my mind and he saw it. No one else would care like that. He pulled me on stage at HCT because I was being crushed against the barricade, and that saved my life. And you have the nerve to say that he doesnt care? If he was being so arrogant why would he update FOBR every once in a while to keep us posted? You need to stop shit talking and think for once. Everyone changes. It's natural. Sure, sometimes it seems like hes got a huge ego. But doesnt everyone at some point? "Before Ashlee he never drank!" You dont know that for sure. And if that is the truth then I really doubt she's the reason he's started drinking. I think i'd start drinking too if a bunch of people were bashing me. I've met Ashlee and she was one of the nicest people I've ever met. A friend of mine who absolutely hates her flicked her off and yelled "fuck you" but Ashlee just took it. She acted like it didnt bother her. I dont know if it did or not. But I know if someone did that to me I'd be pretty bothered. She's not the reason Pete has changed. And one more thing, all this shit about the "hardcore fans" being hurt by him ignoring the fans. I've been behind Fall Out Boy since they even became a band. I was at one of their first shows and I still remember talking to Wentz and seeing that he was the most genuine person I'd met. I'd consider myself a pretty hardcore fan. I know a lot of other kids who consider themselves hardcore fans. We're not hurt at all. If you're so much of a hardcore fan, then why arent you supporting his decisions? I'm not saying support them just because they're his. Sit and think about them, then decide what you're going to say. Don't jump to conclusions.

All of that was posted because a girl IMed me saying a bunch of shit about Pete. Obviously I'm in a really bad mood. I've got an injured foot, I can't dance, and now I have to deal with this shit. I'm not trying to change your opinions, so please don't try to change mine.

just for the record...

- insomnia sucks
- adderall doesnt work on "emo" kids
- no one is cool, expecially not you...

if you can't tell, i'm having a really bad morning. refer to the post about calling pete wentz. except replace "Pete Wentz" with my ex-boyfriend and a longer argument that included a lot of yelling, a lot of "fuck off"s, and a few "i hope you choke"s. thanks. bye.

tonight she's not alone...

last night at dance i landed wrong on my right foot. it's now swollen and purple and hurts like hell. Alli got food poisoning so I'm substituting some of her classes tonight. I dont know how I'm supposed to dance like this.

i had a dream last night that i was 17 years old and signed to decaydance and on tour with fall out boy and ashlee simpson. i was sitting backstage at some venue and ashlee walked in and was like, "amelia m***e...i really need to talk to you about something..." so i was like "sure why not..." then she pulled out some paper and said, "your DNA test came back...its positive." so then pete came up and was like "wait what did you say?" and she said something else but i didnt hear it. so i went on stage and played a few songs then i went into some room and i was sitting on patricks lap [wtf?] and i looked up and pete was there looking at the paper and crying. then he looked up at me and was like "why didnt i see it?" then i found a picture of my old house on forest avenue and pete was like, "so it was you..." then pulled up his sleeve and there was a tattoo of Team Ninja on his arm really small. needless to say, i woke up crying.

[last name blocked so creepy stalkers will leave me alone.]

why cant i turn off the radio?

listening to patrick stump[h]'s cover of "so sick" by neyo. everytime i hear patrick sing it amazes me. he really is the reason i even try lately. he's amazing. this is the same kid that i saw a few years ago. the same kid that was just "alright". and now he's the reason i sing. that's awesome. good job patrick. i'm proud of you.

it's 620AM and i honestly do not feel like getting up at all. last night i actually remembered to take my insomnia medicine. still i didnt even get to sleep until about 1AM. i'm really starting to get sick of insomnia. someone else can have it now.

leave me alone stupid love song.

only hope...

ive spent years chasing you to get your attention. but now the chase has taken a few minutes to stop. tonight i was told that there's a possibility that you're running through my blood. there's a chance that we're related. i've spent ten years chasing someone that i couldve just found through a few family reunions. i am the stupidest person i know. i never saw it before. everyone saying, "wow you two look alike" and, "wow you two are practically the same person". But i never saw it. maybe i was scared to. but now i see it. there are things about my life that i havent been told. things about my family. and now i want to hear them more than ever. the thought of you being connected to me through marriages and other bullshit is just...amusing. i mean i dont know it for a fact. but somehow it just would explain a lot. i dont see how it adds up yet but i hope to find out. it would just explain so much...you have no idea.