my first and probably last conversation with pete wentz via cellphone.

tonight i went to see a friends band playing at a local venue. on the way to the venue me and jaime got pretty bored. we heard pete talking on a radio station so we decided to call him, not realizing that it would probably screw up his interview. we heard him stop talking for a second then we heard someone behind him go "hello". then i turned back to my phone and heard the same voice, "hello." i completely blanked and hung up. i didnt know what to say. well i knew what i wanted to say, i just couldnt get it out before my reflexes smacked opportunity right out of my hands. when we finally got to the venue i decided that i felt really bad about the whole thing, so i called him again. he answered and said, "hello." so i said, "uhm...hi." and in a pretty annoyed tone he said, "can i help you?" at that point my heart stopped. i wanted to cry and say i'm sorry about 100 times. but i didnt. i just said, "no" and hung up as fast as I possibly could. i wish i could've said more. i wish i didn't annoy him. it really hurts knowing that someone i really look up to, someone i've pretty much based my life around, is pissed off because of something i did. but all i really wanted was to say hello. maybe "how are you?". but i chickened out.

it was really reassuring to hear his voice.
but now all i'm hearing is my own saying,
"riley, you're such a fucking idiot."
i wish i could change it.
i wish i could say sorry.
but i cant.
the past few weeks have been really hard.
and all i've wanted is to hear him say something to me.
and i finally got what i wanted.
but it didnt come how i wanted it to.

Dear Mr. Wentz,
I'm sorry.
Love,
Me

once again...

youve caught me offguard in a not so nice way.
sara just got her nose pierced. im in a car on the way home and im cold from the rain thats falling on me through the crack in my window. i guess i should be used to this by now. northern virginia weather is more bipolar than i am. i didnt think that was possible. more when i get to an actual computer.
peaceloveock.

EDIT -
there's really not much more to talk about now. josh got in an accident. my dad's getting pissed off at just about everything in sight. i have a really bad headache. things aren't going as great as i thought they should be. but whatever. go listen to "face the music" by hoobastank. it's pretty amazing. i need a new ringtone. suggestions would be appreciated. text them to me. thanks.

wanna be there for you...

because no one was ever there for me.

there's a ring around my finger that says "you're never leaving this town." but theres a symbol dangling around my neck that says i have to. i dont want to stay here forever and i wont.
dear wilmette, illinois.
I'm coming home. Whether you like it or not.
March 2008 <3
love,
me

this symbol [a bat, heart, and skull fused together into one beautiful masterpiece] is almost what i have based my life on. the accomplishments that lie in this one piece alone make me want to be just like the guy who made it all happen. but then there are times when i look at it and think about how ive spent the last few years trying to reach this guy, and he hasnt seen one bit of my effort. he hasnt looked at me and said, "dont i know you from somewhere?" because he and i both know that he does. or maybe only i know. maybe he really is stuck in oblivion having the time of his life while i sit here ready to scream everytime he just passes through. or maybe he's ignoring it all for a reason. maybe its like becky said, he doesnt want to ruin what's been going on lately. but he wouldnt and he doesnt see that. he wouldnt ruin a damn thing. he'd only help us.

do me a favor and make this year worth my time...you've still got a few more days to turn 2007 into something positive. sure there were a few ups and they made up for a lot of who i am right now. but there were more downs and those impacted me to the point where i'm not who i used to be. i'm not teenage trash anymore and you better believe that i'm damn proud of it. but those downs have made 2007 a total bag of shit. you've got a few more days to make it worth the stress. you've got a few more days to change my mind...

Stupid.

I'm not sure why but I usually find myself blaming the year for the bad events. It's not anyones fault or anything. It's just the year. Dumbass numbers and whatnot.
2007 was a bitch. A lot of ups. A lot of downs. I'm really hoping that 2008 is a lot better.
RIP -
Kyle - April 16th, 2007
Casey - November 24th, 2007
Grandpa - December 5th, 2007
Shawn - December 12th, 2007

maybe this christmas i'll...nevermind

people make promises they'll never keep. things are beginning to change. this christmas is different. usually we have two trees. this year we only put up one. usually we've got the entire house decorated by now. we've got one room and some lights done. this is the first year without my grandfather. and its depressing. i guess...i'm ready for this change. i need a reason to push myself. i need a reason to sing. i need a reason to dream.

"Believe in dreams you love so much.
Let the passion of your heart make them real.
And tell all the ones you love,
anything and everything you feel."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hl2G10h8-Y4

was this worth the time to write?

i have not always been like this.
always down but never out.
time passes between smiles and fake laughter.
almost too much time. a year or ten.
sometimes i think its his fault.
if he would just give it a chance,
he might change his mind.
but he's never done that before.
so why start now?
to give some girls hope?
nope. not a good enough reason.
to save a life?
close. but not close enough.
we fight. we cry. we try. we're shot down.
but we stand up again to tell the world to fuck off.
we'll never let this go.
we're not going down without a fight.

save it for sunday

i got an amazing chance that most girls can only dream of. i've been given so many opportunities to look him in the eye and tell him everything i feel but i've blown them all away. sometimes its hard for me to face myself in the mirror because i begin to think about how he's given me so many chances and i just havent seen them because i havent been looking for them. then i think about how i feel as if i've let him down by doing this. when he asked me to come talk to him at meet and greet i blanked and didnt know what to say. he went out of his way to give one random 15 year old girl a chance, and she blew it...why does he even bother? she may never be worth his time.

before you go to sleep tonight...

picture me standing on stage in front of 10,000 plus people shaking as I play the past few years of my life on a giant screen in my head. every time i tried to reach you to tell you i'm still here. every time i tried to get you to pay attention to the only part of my life that seems real anymore. and you let it all go. except for one thing. picture me standing on that stage shaking, ready to cry, looking as if i'd just been in a bad accident or something. now imagine the thoughts inside my head. confusion. pain. fright. nervousness. now close your eyes and imagine that you are me at that moment. the guy you've looked up to since you were five years old has finally noticed you. he's staring at you, asking what's wrong. you respond with "what?" and he responds in the same way, shaking his head and laughing. then he gives you a smile and the next thing you know you're pulled on stage, standing in front of 10,000 plus people and you cant help but wonder if he remembers you. open your eyes.
this is what you've done for me.
i cant thank you enough.

now think about standing outside of some tour buses. do you remember the little girl that came to you almost crying? november 11th in fairfax virginia. you looked at me as if you knew who I was. when you asked me to come to the meet and greet I wanted to collapse in front of you and spill everything i have been dying to say. you gave me a second chance. you made me think that you knew. when i tried to talk to you at the meet and greet i didnt have enough time to explain the past 10 years. i didnt have time to even ask if you remembered me. now that little girl is hanging on for dear life, clutching the pictures of you and her. she's crying and realizing that the only thing holding her together is the hope that one day you'll look at her and say, "Yes. I remember you." then call her and let her spill her outrageous stories to you. and the hope that one day you might actually care.

your ninjas miss you

bloodshot eyes from staying up late reading all your old entries. the way your words paint pictures then throw them away amazes me. i never told anyone because i didnt think it was relevant. or maybe it was and i was just too ignorant to see it. ive been walking through industrial fields of "i dont give a shit" and "youre amazing" all alone. it may be nice to have some company. though i'm sick of everything you do, i love it. this other world is my secret place that only you know about. i go there for comfort because we both know i'm socially awkward. you're never there anymore. your hints are amusing. your way of distracting us is confusing. if you would just come out and say what we want you to say, all would be normal again. but you're not. you're hiding. and we're slowly but surely fading. at this point it's safe to say that you may not remember me, but you're permanently burned into my memory. not because of what you have now that you didnt have before. but because of what you had before that grew into what you have now. and because of the way you've taken time out of your life to help me. i only hope that at some point i can return the favor somehow. but you're making it impossible.
--------------------
Where can I go when I want you around,
but I cant stand to be around you?

Just to know what we could be...

There's always been this thought in the back of my mind that my music has to make it somewhere. This has to work out. I have no other plans. But now I'm seeing that where I'm at now is not where I need to be if I ever want to make this dream come true. I've got friends that are willing to work with me. Most of my friends are guys in bands who are willing to write some stuff with me. But some of them have screwed me over time and time again. They ask me to write and record something then decide that maybe they don't want to. They want to stick with something else. It's not fair. I've gotten my hopes up for something that may never happen. Almost everyone in my family has been involved with music at some point in their life. Some of my relatives have been in bands. Some have been in state choirs. Some have been backup vocalists. Etc. Etc. I am...nothing. And I hate that. It seems like I'm the next in line and I'm slowly but surely falling behind. Don't get me wrong. I have backup plans. Dancing. Acting. But music is what I love. And even if I never reach the point I want to reach, I still want to be involved with music in some way. Even if that means being a roadie for the rest of my life, I will always be around shows and bands. It's my passion. It's where my heart belongs and no one can take that away from me. I want to go on tour. Not because I want to feel cool. But because I actually do want to do the work and see what it's like behind the scenes. Yeah, I helped out my uncles band here and there. I've helped out my friends bands. But that's local. I want to travel. I helped out with Warped Tour for a while but that's not the same. I only went to a few shows and didn't really do much except for hang out with Shaun and Maria. I never once picked up anything and set it up. I organized books and promoted certain bands. As much as I loved it, it was too easy. I felt like I wasnt there for the right reasons. I felt like I had the easiest job and I didn't deserve it. I want to make this dream come true. I'll do anything to make this dream come true. I write music like it depends on my life and, despite all my efforts, it gets nowhere. I guess it's because I'm too afraid that the people outside of Northern Virginia would look at me and wonder why the hell I'm even trying. But I refuse to give up. They can say what they want. They can call me names and throw punches at me but I refuse to look at myself in the mirror and tell myself I can't do it. I know I can. And I will.

this is not goodbye.

it's only our last hello.
the open casket lied in front of me and i couldnt help but think about how peaceful he looked. he didnt feel anything. he didnt suffer. what tore me up was watching my grandmother stand there, asking him to wake up. he's only sleeping, right? i wish. i wish this nightmare would end and he'd be right here again, telling me to stop my damn crying. he was the kind of guy who always had something to do. there was no excuse for being bored. "Grandpa I'm bored." "Well then lets go somewhere." I never saw him mad. I never saw him cry. I never saw him standing/sitting still for more than ten minutes. Christmas this year is not going to be the same. There's going to be one empty seat at the head of the table. There's going to be one person missing when the family sits around the tree, opening presents. It's worth nothing without you. The person who was most proud of me is no longer here to let me know. But he's watching over us all. The guy who managed to find a way to keep the seal on the presidents podium in the white house is not around anymore if it ever falls, though god knows it never will. Next time you watch the president make a speech, look at that seal and think of my grandfather. Hes the one who got it to stay there.
i cant help but remember the last time i saw him. at brunch at the officers' club in ft. belvoir. he told me i needed to eat more because i was too skinny. he wanted to talk about my dancing. he wanted to be there. he loved his family. if i had known that would be my last hug from him i wouldve held it longer.
he is not gone. he is still here in spirit. and thats all i can ask for.
"no crying. be strong. and dont change." -granny <3

you can't stay here.

You stare at me then laugh and judge me. You're just like every other pathetic asshole that has ever seen me on the barricade. The truth is that I've been running, and screaming obsenities just to get your attention. And somehow you've failed to see that I've been doing this for the past 8 years. Before you were you. Before I was me. You were a normal guy living in a house across from mine and every other day I'd see you outside and wish I was you. You were alive. You were healthy, for the most part. You had a life. I had a bedroom with walls that never really seemed alive. Now I just wish I could go back and take the chances I had then. I could've said so much to you. I could've saved the last 8 years for something a little more positive. I still dont regret a damn thing.