this is not goodbye.

it's only our last hello.
the open casket lied in front of me and i couldnt help but think about how peaceful he looked. he didnt feel anything. he didnt suffer. what tore me up was watching my grandmother stand there, asking him to wake up. he's only sleeping, right? i wish. i wish this nightmare would end and he'd be right here again, telling me to stop my damn crying. he was the kind of guy who always had something to do. there was no excuse for being bored. "Grandpa I'm bored." "Well then lets go somewhere." I never saw him mad. I never saw him cry. I never saw him standing/sitting still for more than ten minutes. Christmas this year is not going to be the same. There's going to be one empty seat at the head of the table. There's going to be one person missing when the family sits around the tree, opening presents. It's worth nothing without you. The person who was most proud of me is no longer here to let me know. But he's watching over us all. The guy who managed to find a way to keep the seal on the presidents podium in the white house is not around anymore if it ever falls, though god knows it never will. Next time you watch the president make a speech, look at that seal and think of my grandfather. Hes the one who got it to stay there.
i cant help but remember the last time i saw him. at brunch at the officers' club in ft. belvoir. he told me i needed to eat more because i was too skinny. he wanted to talk about my dancing. he wanted to be there. he loved his family. if i had known that would be my last hug from him i wouldve held it longer.
he is not gone. he is still here in spirit. and thats all i can ask for.
"no crying. be strong. and dont change." -granny <3